Saturday, November 15, 2008
the girl of the house
8:35:00 PM
when i was 10, i fell in love with netball. i was part of the netball school team. my best friends were all in netball. i remember we were like the most popular kids in school. every time, we needed to go for matches which was during school hours, we would wait for our captain to wait down the hallway. when she passed our class, we just walked out. each time after we won and came back to school, we had to report back to our teacher, Mdm Hadlia and tell her about the match. it would still be during school hours so again, we would down the hallways with the jersey, walking proud and tall. even when we lost, we were a team. oh those good old days.
in damai, netball was still my passion. i loved every single moment of it. even with the coach being such an asshole, i didn't mind. because i found friends who were like my sisters. each time, after every practice, we would just sit down awhile and relax. we would make out jokes about the coach. even if we were scolded, it was funny to us because we just couldn't be bothered to feel bad. we just laughed it off. then we would go to the bubble tea shop and eat cup noodles and continue with more jokes.
in the middle of sec 2, my batch couldn't take it anymore with the coach. so one by one, we left the team. but we were still sisters. from a team of 12, it was down to 4. even after i quit, the people who stayed on said we were never forgotten. every mistake we made reminded them of us. i cried once when a teammate said that a junior repeated my mistake, they were reminded of me. funny how before 2/3 of the team quit, we actually planned to be the NCCAC -No CCA Club. yes, laugh out loud. but then again, we were kind of special, i think. our seniors said that even though the coach was harsh on us, he liked our batch the most. they said we were the batch that he laughed with the most, joked about the most and sometimes, were angry at the most. what can i say? netball was more than just a CCA to us, it was when we rocked the courts, hands down.
then i became a drama member after about 4 months without a CCA. it was different. but i was still me. i guess drama has always been a part of me. my friends would agree to this: shafienas is oh-so-dramatic! but what the heck! i was having fun. i never had the problem of stage fright. someone once told me, i was born to act. in my heart, i continued, " i was born to act, lie and pretend." that was what i do best. was that good or bad? depends, what do you think?
all the way till now in MJC, i'm still drama-ing. though sometimes, it could get pretty boring, i was somewhat satisfied with who i am. sometimes, i do wonder what whould have happened if i was still a netballer.
now you might be wondering why i'm writing this much. to boast about how i'm oh-so-talented? no darling, of course not. since i'm pretty sure no one would be bothered to read this by the time they get here, i'll go on with the details.
tonight, i confess that i do not know what i want to be in future. as you may have already know, i have parents from mars. here's a list of things that i, as the girl in the house, need to face with:
1. i have a curfew every day of my life till i get married (probably) at 7.
2. i would have to undergo great questioning and reasoning to go on a school overseas trip.
3. i already have a job offered by my parents: a full time security guard of my home.
4. i am to return by 9 if i am going to barbeques. in addition, i am somewhat prohibited from going to any chalets, unless it is family.
5. i will always, and forever be restricted to all activities. ( as in they will need full details about who i am going out with, where i am going, for what reason, what time will i be home, how will i go there, what is the purpose of the trip and reasons why i really really need/must/want to go)
so that is just parts of it. if i go on, you'd probably die. what i am saying here, i really do not like the way my parents do their parenting and as if that is not unfortunate enough, i have to be a girl. trust me, my brothers can get away with anything. i need to be home by 9 whereas my elder brother can be back as late as 2am when we go to our class bbqs. i am prohibited to go to chalets up till i was 16 when my younger brother can stay overnight at the chalet when he was just secondary 2.
seriously, i am not lying about this. ask my parents and they'd say this first: i am a girl. after that, it would answer any other question you have left. my father didn't like it much when i was playing netball. he said i bared too much skin with the FBT and the jersey. i said fine. then he didn't like i always had netball and would came back late. i said fine. when i was in drama, he hated the fact that i didn't discuss with him why i chose it. he hated that i was acting. when i told him i may be interested in becoming a pre school teacher, he was shocked. almost not believing i was saying that! when i told him i was into interior design, he went on about his experience from exterior designs in the olden days. i was fine with all this then.
but tonight, i realise i had been confining myself to be someone that my parents wanted me to. i hate to admit this bit tonight; i can't believe i joined JC just so i could make them proud. ( but that's not the point here.) don't take me wrong, i love my parents but like i said earlier, i hate the way they act as parents. their thinking, their rationale, their opinions. the only way i could stand them was to tell myself every day that i was the girl in the house and that they loved me more than my brothers. that's why they do not want to keep out from their side. they loved me too much that they always wnat to keep me by their side. maybe i am right. maybe i'm not. idk, and honestly tonight, i do not care.
i am nurul shafienas binte salleh.
someday i hope i can not break every rule in this household.
someday i hope i can assure my parents to trust me to take care of myself.
someday i hope they would not need to question me anymore.
someday i would be just like any other daughters in this world.
someday, i want to regret thinking like this about my parents.
someday, maybe i would want to be just like my mother and have a husband like my father.
but just for tonight, i do not want these things. just for tonight, i want to rebel and be rude. just for tonight, i do not want to be nurul shafienas binte salleh. just for tonight, i hope my parents read this post. just for tonight.
before i go off, let me just say this again. this post is not about how i hate my parents ( i don't, really, seriously). this post is about how i want my parents to change. i want them to let me be happy and just trust me. let me make mistakes even. this post is about how i want parents from earth, not mars. but then again, by the time you read this, i would have totally repent and regret this. because now i think i'm going to go through the family album and love my parents, just the way they love me.
to mommy and daddy, i love you. and for what it's worth, thank you.
i am proud to be your girl.
p.s im sorry for this long post. and i think for some parts of this post, i don't really mean what i said.
(enter my name here)Labels: and who am i?
