Labels: and who am i?
Just had a Ramen Ten lunch date with my girlfriends :) Guess that was enough to cheer me up somehow. Got myself a korean phrasebook, so I am definitely happy, okay?The reason why the truth hurts,
is because it is true. It is the truth.
In the end, this is not me. I cannot believe how much I have changed that I am just so overwhelmed right now. I am still trying to accept it, so it will take some time.
I have said too much to too many people, that I want to forget what I have just said. Because I think I don't even know what to feel, or how I should feel. I want to walk alone in the crowds or just stare into spaces. I don't want to be judged anymore for anything, and I don't want to be told by anyone what to do now. I don't want to be given choices, I don't want to be forced to choose, I don't want to compromise and choose.
I don't want to explain it -
my reasons, my excuses.
I want to just think, and keep on thinking.
I want to sit down and think again.
I want to disappear and let myself get lost
so that I can think like me, like myself.
Until I know what I want,
it'll be a blind chase, and
I am just like the blind mice.
My faith in hope is fading. Maybe it is even gone.
But somehow, this feeling of absence still worries me.
In the end, I decide to practice
my right to remain silent.
I will never tell again.
(enter my name here)
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Labels: the world as it is
Firstly, NO I AM NOT A TWILIGHT FAN.
Stop trying to get me to watch it for the hot vampires and shit-ass bodies
because I'm on the side that says "The-World-Does-Not-Revolve-Around-Twilight".
Secondly, I am oh-so-BROKE.
Thirdly, I am oh-so-very-BROKE.
After 7 adventurous days of non-stop-going-out-of-the-house with friends and family, I am now very satisfied. I had this "agreement" with Dad to let me enjoy this entire week my way since I won't be going to p___. (Friends, don't ask because you know the reason even if I hadn't explained anything.)
Putting selfish teenage desires aside, I feel like the road ahead of me is not long, it's unclear. So, until I can be sure of where the road (if any) leads me, I cannot look into the eyes of my family members and tell them anything.
Just smile, nod or shrug it off.
At last night's feast, I had to face too many question of what, where, why, and when. Being the first person to go through this route, my family sure knows how to put some pressure on me. It doesn't help that too many of them thinks I am the family genius. problem is, even me, myself and I couldn't convince the whole lot that I am far from smart.Cousin#1: Kak Nurul, was A level difficult?
Me: You took PSLE right? Was that difficult for you?
Cousin#1: Of course la!
Me: If exams are not set to be difficult, then something is definitely wrong somewhere.
Cousin#2: You study until late at night eh Kak Nurul?
Me: No, I start late at night and end in the morning.
Cousin#1: Then what you do in the day?
Me: I'm either in school or at home sleeping...
Mom: ...Or doing anything korean!
Cousin#1: Then will you be entering University?
Me: ...
Cousing #2: What do you want to do?
Me: ...
Cousin#2: If you enter NUS, I'll respect you.
Me: ...
Cousin#1: (to another cousin) Kak Nurul is so clever, and she is a good girl because my mother say so. (turns to me) So Kak Nurul, now that you're done with all that studying, any advice for us? We want to be a genius like you.
I was left even more speechless at the last question. I couldn't even dish out some useful advice. Maybe I did have something-something in my mind and I wanted to say it to them, but I think I was still thinking about the first question he asked that I couldn't answer. Okay let's stop there.
"Don't you think that korean dramas just make you cry?"
Okay, yes Mr Y, I believe so too. Maybe not really cry, but overwhelmed that you tear up. Speaking of mr Y, I miss his every-friday-will-be-doing-current-affairs-quiz.
Anyways, I should start a book with all the wonderful quotes, happenings or slip-ups that people around me make. Something like "It happens every night..." (inside joke)
To think that my brother forgot how to spell miracles, he must be so crazy (in love). AND btw, not trusting malay girls don't make you more of a trustworthy malay boy. No, I am not standing up for her. You should do some thinking and mature already, maybe while in NS?
And I pity those who can't even start the wheels turning.
I miss riding bicycles while playing hide-and-seek in the carpark.
I'm still confused.
I'm still very confused.
So now, I'm trying hard
to make myself seem busy.
I should be very good at that.
Because when I'm busy,
I won't have time to think, would I?
I'm still too very confused.(enter my name here)
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Labels: the world as it is
The big secret about us is that we are all scared of anything and everything.
And we are still too young to believe that everything is going to be okay.
Life is just too full of worries and worst-case scenarios.
Some things you just can't take your mind off,
Some things you can't stop doing,
Some things you can't let go,
Some things you want so very badly,
Some things you have to avoid,
some things like a very bad habit.
(enter my name here)
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Labels: and who am i?
This is not an emo post.
This is just a post with too much emotions.
:)))
Laughing for the sake of smiling.
Having fun for the sake of laughter.
Joking around for the sake of fun.
Smiling for the sake of the joke.
There wasn't any hope.
But I feel disappointed.
There wasn't any meaning to it.
But I felt humiliated.
Betrayed, Forgotten, Lost.
Idk why, but I just do.
I'm tired, and I can't stop sighing.
I'm not going to be bothered anymore.
Really, I won't go around asking questions.
I won't mind not being told anything.
While I'm sorry that I have to do this, but please,
Just be gone, and stay far away.
They are all laughing at me already.
They can't understand why I am the way I am.
They don't get it when I say I just do.
I feel like I can't look at myself anymore.
Really, seriously, I wouldn't care about anything
even if I'm the only one left clueless.
I need some space to breathe. I need some time to forget.
It isn't so suddenly that when I woke up today,
I didn't smile at the very thought of ___.
In fact, I was scared.
That cowardly feeling, That restless feeling.
I have had enough.
Don't be in my way or
I'm going to get really, really, really pissed.
I mean it. Mark my words.(enter name here)
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Labels: the world as it is
A good sleep will always take away all your troubles.
When you're really really angry or feeling horribly terrible with anything, get a good sleep. Sleep for as long as you want and then only wake up when you can't even close your eyes anymore because your stomach is making those loud noises. Then have a good meal, watch some good shows and have a good laugh. When you're done, then you will begin to think of what you were doing before you slept. That is usually when your brain works best to be rational and mature.
Well - at least, it worked for me.
How unfortunately, it did not this time around.
:(((
The Salleh sisters.
I had a combination of a bad hair day and wardrobe malfuntion. Really wasn't a good day today, and my legs are really going to break anytime now. But minus the time spent with these crazy-as-hell girlfriends: love you sayangs! Better enjoy this shafienas - it will end very soon.
1435hrs: (Msg from mother) Don't forget to buy newspaper later.
1855hrs: (Call from Dad) Come home quickly and buy the newspaper.
1859 hrs: (Msg from brother) Please buy the newspaper otw home! :)
1905hrs: (Call from Dad) Where are you? Bought the newspaper?
Me: (to Dad on phone) YES YES YES YES YES OKAY!
After taking the call with no hello and goodbye, I reached home about 10 seconds later. I was already so pissed to begin with and when I asked what was so important about the newspaper that everyone kept on reminding me to buy it, Dad said with a wide smile: OH nothing, just wanted to read it. Damn the constant reminders. But what sucks even more was that it was already 7pm in the evening and I don't get why they couldn't just wait for the news instead.
Drinking home-made anyhow-put-in fusion lime juice at 2 am is finally bringing me some smiles - thanks bro!(enter my name here)
Monday, November 23, 2009
Labels: and who am i?
(I have to this post. No, I want to.)
I just had an unexpectedly (and unplanned) super duper LONG talk with RashidahYaakob. Have not done that in a very long time and I definitely enjoyed it. Now, I am wide awake and cannot go to sleep AGAIN. She is one of the people that I can be truly be honest with, without having to fear that she might get the wrong idea about anything.
Rashidah is a very special girl and I am very thankful that God let us be friends, even up to now. Thinking back, she was the first friend that I had in secondary school. We have indeed come a long way.
Friends - They are like those colourful sweets you put on top of doughnuts.
And if you know how much I love doughnuts, you will know how much I love my friends. :)))
All I can say by the end of the idk-how-long-it-was call:
I will always, and forever miss my friends, both old and new. I will try my very best to be the friend that you have always known. I will not be someone that changes every time I meet someone new. But then again, change is a constant in life.
I may forget you at times, and I may even hurt your feelings in ways that I was not even aware of. I may seem to have purposely ignored you or tried avoiding certain things. I may look like I am favouring others over you. You might also think I no longer need you anymore since I have found your so-called replacement.
But the truth is, I treasure every single one of my friends, even if we have not met for a very long time. No one can replace anyone if you are my friend. I may be too busy and it could be my own fault that sometimes we argue. I accept every curse that my friends may let out to me, because at times I do deserve to be hated for not being a good friend enough. I understand that you may be angry or be very disappointed in me, and begin thinking that maybe I am not your same old shafienas.
However, all I ask is that you do try understand me. I do not wish that you compromise to my every demands and only think of my well-being. But sometimes, I have to compromise to certain things that are beyond my control. I have always been stuck with being an obedient daughter and a good friend. At times, I have to choose either at the expense of the other. For that, I apologise, from the bottom of my heart, to everyone that have gone through those kinds of horrible experiences. I do not want to ever have to disappoint my parents and that is why I am always coming up with excuses. But put yourself in my shoes and think: I too have missed out on some of the greatest moments in my life as a teenager with the best-est people that I call friends. I lack many experiences that I could have otherwise gained, and many memories that I would have otherwise been able to keep as the greatest treasures I have ever found.
Once again, I am sincerely sorry to all of you, my beloved friends. Just know that you ( no matter who you may think you are to me) are a very special person indeed because you are my friend, and will forever be. Always, period. And remember that just because I am not there with you, does not mean that I am not there for you or do not wish to be your friend anymore.
I love you ALL.
And RashidahYaakob, I cannot thank you enough for being my inspiring motivation and my honestly-speaking-and-do-not-take-this-personally kind of friend :))))))))(enter my name here)
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Labels: the world as it is
Labels: and who am i?
Labels: and who am i?
Labels: the world as it is
Labels: and who am i?
Labels: and who am i?
Labels: the world as it is
Labels: the world as it is
Holidays are here to stay for a very long time now, and I can't wait for evey event happening with friends all around Singapore. Problem is: Can I keep my end of the deal and go out on all these days? I hope so, since I gave something up in return. (a secret for now) Don't make me think about that.
Plans for the remaining November: 21, 22, 24, 26, 27, 28, 29
Plans for December (as of now only): 3, 9, 15, 20
Oh I'm tired already just looking at those numbers. But bring it on!
Now all I need are a strong pair of legs and lots&lots&lots of money.
Speaking of strong pair of legs, I swear my legs are about to break already. Today started with just a decent date with my own self. Then Big Bro suddenly decided to keep me out of the house for awhile. Truth was, he'd be kept out of the house for 2 yrs starting 11th dec. The house will really be empty, but I will take care of your laptop brother.
So, we went to the the north side, then drop by the west side and then home sweet home. It's been long since I enjoyed some brotherly love - thank you for being a good brother for me to remember for 2 years.
Since I'm expected to be home by sunset, I don't have many (in fact, zero) chances of enjoying even a little bit of nightlife. But because I'm with him, I took advantage of every single chance. And yes, that includes his money. And because I'm broke, he just couldn't escape my pleas and demands. Thanks for the treat, Abang Is! When you get out, (and if I remember,) treat's on me then.
Him: Hungry?
Me: Not really. Why?
Him: Because I was thinking of...
Me: (Cut him immediately) Okay let's go, I'm starved!
Him: Wait, can you find the ATM?
Me: Eh no need to take out so much money. (start to pull him towards ATM machine) You don't have to spend much on me. Anything will do, no trouble, no problemo.
Him: How much should I take out?
Me: Around $100?
Him: HUH??? We'll only be spending $20 max.
Me: No, you will. The balance is mine. :)))
Aww man, I will really miss having him around. No more starbucks foodtreat. No more shouting across the room. No more late-night riddles which are oh-so-lame, No more racing and fighting over the best seat at the dining table. Big Brothers FTW! Last advice given: Don't have a scandal without me knowing and take care of my apple.
Bye-bye Brother, and save some ghost stories for me! While I'm sad you're going, I can't believe that the laptop is FINALLY going to be mine! WOOOOOOTTTTSSSSS~~
Okay I better get some sleep for the entire week. :)))
Operation Enjoy-Freedom just began.(enter my name here)
Do I look like the information counter?
12:21:00 AM
This is difficult.I simply cannot take it anymore.
I simply cannot just sit and stare.
I simply cannot hold it in any longer.:(((
(enter my name here)
Saturday, November 21, 2009
karma or dejavu?
3:03:00 AM
Greatest performance, WOW.
I want waffles with chocolate and blueberries on top for breakfast.
Because they make me think of old times. Like how I really miss my girls today. I completed JC education today, it felt like I had just done O levels again, only in much more extreme conditions. Girls, I want to hug every single one of you. Some friends are really for-ever, others just pretend that they will be.
So, to forget my worries, I want to walk around this little island. I want to go bus-hopping and observe people. Most importantly, I want to tell why-oh-u that I'd have fun, even alone while you enjoy yours.
You, who never understood my feelings,
In the end, I despise you.
Then I wished a misfortune upon you.
But now, my eyes are dry.
I tried to talk to you,
but I realized that I’m alone.
Every night, I would look back and think
If I already knew the results.
Then I close my eyes.
Then I dream an endless dream.
-Tae Yang, Wedding Dress
I sound so stupid this is true. I saw how her eyes looked at them.R came and went straight to H, as if E was invisible. R didn't bother to say a word to E, like R knew E was trying to avoid any conversations. E tried to make eye contact but got scared. E felt so humiliated. R stayed by H's side and they just kept on talking. The situation made E feel even more depressed and useless. Okay off to sleep after an adventurous 24 hours(enter my name here)
of fufilments, accomplishments and satisfaction.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Humty Dumpty had a GREAT fall
10:10:00 PMOh those piles and piles of paper.
When I first entered the JC world, I swear I don't belong there. And I still believe that I can never fit in their thinking world with my not-so-superior mindset. Strangely, while I was doing my physical geography paper, ( which was unexpectedly not-so-terrible ) I thought that my 2 years of education there has had much impact on my views and thoughts. I will always remember the lessons of absolute territorial sovereignty vs absolute territorial integrity, remember the critical, analytical and creative thinking needed for literature, how efficiency and equity can change the market economy and also of course, to trust my $150++ GC when it says root of -1 results in an error (but the H2s call it complex numbers, and have a whole new explanation to provide which is of little practical use). Now as I step into a bigger (and no less, much scarier) world out there, let's see what other lessons can life teach me. Adulthood, here I come! To my other friends still having papers on whenever, carry on fighting comrades. And haniffa, cheer up, libaralisation will come to you soon enough sayang.Anway, so this is what it feels like. I will miss you my colourful pens, my unique pencilcase and of course, drawing little flowers on every paper. Thank you for making me laugh till my throat hurt today. Thank you for making me forget what I was really missing. Thank you so much Wida, ILU. Though I didn't say it, but I really needed time far and away (with anyone kind enough to layan my merepek-ness), so thank you for keeping me company.
To whom it may concern: I'm sorry I have to disappoint you people again. But believe me, I cannot afford to hurt them again. No, I'd rather be missing out on the greatest moments with the bestest people I've known. I guess no one would truly understand me even if they say they do. But for what it's worth, I'm sorry, and please do enjoy yourselves.(enter my name here)
I don't enjoy Hi-5 anymore.
1:00:00 AMI'm not angry. No, I am not.
I'm disappointed, I'm ashamed
of myself.
From here on, I'm done.
I've decided that I want to forget.
Messages erased.
Storage space cleared.
Saved images deleted.
Memory re-formatted.
Maybe I can't YET.
But I will,
I want to,
I have to,
I need to,
and I must try
until I finally can.Liberalisation starts in approximately 15 hours and 15 minutes.(enter my name here)
Saturday, November 14, 2009
I have 5 black pens, but have never used the other 4.
10:01:00 PM"Jadi perempuan melayu, jangan seperti perigi mencari timba."
I hold on dearly to those words. So with that in mind, I left the house hurriedly and arrived at the salon 15 minutes later. When asked what I wanted to do with my hair, I replied: Just chop it off. Thank You.
I had to prove to me that I do not live to impress anyone. The opinions, (no matter how much I really do appreciate it,) are just opinions, not mine even.
I felt so accomplished when I saw the end result. GTH with pretty nice curls or whatever you call it. I'm really doing everything that you told me not to. I'm really making me not even think about ___.
But now, I do miss my curls already :(((
(enter my name here)
Friday, November 13, 2009
The pilot was blind, but he's not now.
8:45:00 PMToday, despite being Friday 13th, is a happy day.
I simply cannot stop smiling.
Starting with the good news: Taeyang's Wedding Dress.Then, the "bad" news: THE FIRST ALBUM 01.59PM
I have yet to adore the song, but the MV is simply oh-holy-kemolly.
I'm speechless. It's weird not seeing the leader there.
"We are not 7, we are one."
-Wooyoung 2PM.
In this divide, united we stand.
Too many happy things happened today (of course besides all this).
And I simply cannot stop smiling.
(Thank you for taking my mind off things, Ruq. We go together, heh?)(enter my name here)
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Bad boy, whatcha gonna do when they come for you?
3:21:00 PMShould I? Should I not?Either way, what's next?God, I'm in trouble.Questions, questions, questions.Where can I get the answers? God, I'm in deep trouble.On a happier note, my family is totally jiwang right now. Dad in the kitchen cooking, Mom in the room trying to sleep, Brothers in room with Xbox and moi at the sofa - ALL singing to the song Bila Rindu because someone's phone is ringing but he won't pick up because of the stupid song. Now I cannot stop singing! And I'm totally into rock voices and rappers - Sexy and Hot just found their new meaning.(enter my name here)
YOU should just *POOF*!
1:10:00 AMMaybe, just maybe,
this is what it feels like.
Like I've been better, Like this has been much better,
Like I've forgotten all that I've wanted to,
I stopped walking, stopped running,
only to look back at those memories.
I want to be like the white clouds,
and those colourful rainbows,
I want to be a happy person.
As long as I don't have any regrets,
as long as I don't have to turn my back,
as long as I keep on going forward,
I'll be happy.
But then again, where am I now?
Did it start again? Please let it not.
Please, please, please.
Coming back to reality, I'm so pissed right now that I can really punch someone. I want to slap that face and I want to let it all out. I pray hard that you'd really just disappear. I'm so f***ing angry that I cannot stop cursing. What a disappointment - both of YOU! I can't be bothered to talk about the (ongoing) exams and I sure as hell, can't be bothered to talk about how it has been.
9 more days, just 9 more days.
(enter my name here)