Yesterday, we walked; Today, I ran.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Nestle Castle

3:03:00 AM

It's 3 in the morning, and I can't get to sleep since I've been forcing myself to stay awake for too long in order to complete this not-so-usless TNC written report. Shit - and school is in a few hours and I am waking up early to run with Raidah and after the long day ahead, I then have Urban test on friday which I am so not prepared for 100%.

All that I've learnt this week is that Tuesdays are evil and mean to me, Wednesdays are the lazy-and-still-tired-from-yesterday-day, Thursday is another long day and Friday is the day you sit for tests and have PE too. I really do hate Tuesdays, you know. And I hate whatever system that is being used to get to this kind of timetable because apparently, I think this can really kill me in a matter of weeks. 2 periods of GP, 2 periods of Sastera, PE at the end of the day and then Drama till 8 - please tell me you feel my pain? 50 mins of GP or Sastera can put me to sleep already, what more double of those? Urghh. Oh and please, this better be my last NAPFA. Okay fine, I'm being whiny, and why should I be so tired when I'm not the one in SYF, but whattheheck - idk, i'm just too tired!

Anyways, I'm so addicted to Broken Strings by James Morrison and Nelly Furtado. My mind is really in a mess, and I don't know why. All I know is that this song means so much more than just words right now.

Let me hold you
For the last time
It's the last chance to feel again
But you broke me
Now I can't feel anything

When I love you
It's so untrue
I can't even convince myself
When I'm speaking
It's the voice of someone else

Oh it tears me up
I tried to hold on but it hurts too much
I tried to forgive but it's not enough
To make it all okay

You can't play our broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that aint real

Oh the truth hurts
And lies worse
I can't like it anymore
And I love you a little less than before

Oh what are we doing
We are turning into dust
Playing house in the ruins of us

Running back through the fire
When there's nothing left to say
It's like chasing the very last train
When it's too late

Oh it tears me up
I tried to hold on but it hurts too much
I tried to forgive but it's not enough
To make it all okay

You can't play our broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that aint real

Oh the truth hurts And lies worse
I can't like it anymore
And I love you a little less than before

But we're running through the fire
When there's nothing left to say
It's like chasing the very last train
When we both know it's too late

You can't play our broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that aint real

Oh the truth hurts
And lies worse
I can't like it anymore
And I love you a little less than before
Oh and I love you a little less than before

Let me hold you for the last time
It's the last change to feel again

I've said too much of all that I want to say, and now I'm speechless. But yet, I've said nothing to you. I don't know what to do. R told me to say just say sorry and blablabla, N just wants me to get over it ASAP, SF thinks I have to face it and let go, D said I'm better off without all this trouble, and S told me to stays strong still yada yada yada. I've got so many options laid out in front of me, don't I? Thanks girls, you all rock. And please do tell me what else I can do, really go on because I appreciate every single one of it. Just don't tell me it's going to be okay anymore. Just don't tell me that everything's going to be fine, even if I said it is, or if it were once.

And I don't feel anything anymore, {not that I want to anyway} and I don't know what is this I feel. All I know, it's not that same old feeling. I feel nothing, even as a friend. And even with all the stress with studies and feeling tired/sleepy, it's not helping me to not think about it. It's really not helping. But this is my life, and this is what life is all about, and you definitely do not have to worry about all "these little things".

I just can't wait for the good times to roll, again.

It wasn't anyone's birthday!

No wait, all I can think of right now, is 24th May.
Please come quickly and let the drama {pun intended} come to an end.

And so, you've seen, there's a lot of thing that I don't know and a lot of others, that I do which are to some extent, irrelevant at times. In other words, sungguh tidak perlu (so not needed). And before more of my merepek-ness kick in, let's stop here.

p.s. This post is practically redundant, but I needed to take a break, and also because I give up on the bloody written report but I just can't sleep. And oh as for the pictures- i'd will put up more and with explanations whatsoever later.

Now, back to Nestle research.
Oh and HAPPY 18th Namirah Naser.

(enter my name here)

Labels: the world as it is

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Kampung Trip

2:34:00 PM

So last week's saturday was spent going to Kampung Penarik with the Sastera people. Ask me not about the purpose of the trip, but instead, just enjoy the pictures. We were supposed to assemble in front of G.O. at 7.30am sharp and leave. I arrived at 7.05am, and we only left school at 7.45am. As Khai would say, "Melayu what!" Oh and someone msg-ed me 6.15am that day asking if there was the need to bring passport when we were going into Malaysia.

Lucky thing, Ms Rai tagged along.

If I could get hold of my camera one second earlier, you would have seen how these three boys looked so amazed by the telephone booth.

Awww, how sweet!

The Malaysian Guide; He brought us to Gelang Patah for breakfast. Funny things happened, but I shall be nice and shut up.

50% of the trip while on the bus were spent laughing and singing karaoke. Another 50%: a mixture of Lantai 13 (Indonesian movie - 13th Floor) and sleeping and eating. Watching Lantai 13 with Ira on the bus was funny because she made me feel scared when it was clearly bright and sunny outside. And somewhere along the way, I felt asleep and I think she often found herself talking to herself. HAHA.

First stop: Pineapple Museum, and these outfits were made out of pineapple thread!

And all the other things that I could remember while we were there was that Wida tried to convince me that she wasn't from Singapore,

and there were many types of suckers,

and that Ashraf could quit school anytime and work there instead!

The J1s.

We were tyring so hard not to feel bored.

The sample people because we were all dressed in either one of those shown below.

At first, all of us didn't know what to do while on the bus. And so we began eating, although the sign clearly says: Thank You for not eating or drinking here.

Then we stopped at Bandar Pontian, and walked around.

If you can't see it, it clearly states there that the date the building was supposed to have completed its construction works according to the contract was 25 Febuary 2009. It was 45 days later and the building looked only halfway done.

The J2s.

Then, all the way to the village, it was plantations after plantations.

Farshad's solo concert!(It's shaky because the only time it wasn't was when the bus was moving at all.)

OH and then the Singapore tour guide let us karaoke on the bus. And guess what, they were all JIWANG songs! Wida, Ira and I (sitted all the way at the back) could sing all the songs, and when we couldn't, we started saying "TAK TAHU...!" (inspiration from K-Nite.)

And for those who can't get enough of Farshad's voice, here's another chance as he sang my favourite jiwang song! The 3 girls at the back were singing so terribly, I swear it sounded so depressing and heartwrenching! But then again, I think it was just my voice. The teachers were surprised that we knew so many old songs and the times when we went silent, we could hear them singing softly, backing us up.

We had lunch at the Chief Village's house.

Then we dropped by the soursop plantation - I think.

And as we sang our hearts out to the songs that were oh-so-old-and-jiwang, the sun began to disappear and it started to rain quite heavily. Ooops.

And soon enough, it was time to go back home, but not before a trip to Angsana to get our Dunkin' Donuts. And oh, the Crispy Popiah there was beyond words!

All in all, it was a trip to remember somehow. A trip that I needed to get away from the daily stresses of life. but then again, we had to do the assignment about the environment there - tsk.

Okay now, I just want to say that:

Sometimes, I pretended like I just dialed the wrong number, just so that we could talk, for that few seconds. Sometimes, I don't get half the things that you say, but I'd still laugh anyway. Some day, this will all make sense to you. Someday, but not today.Just in case you've been wondering, I haven't been ignoring you - I've been running away from you.

(enter my name here)

Labels: pause, play, rewind

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

1,2,3,4

4:15:00 PM

the week started 2 and half days ago, but i can't wait for the weekends already. oh well this is life. {i just want to quote them; it means nothing.}

It's like when you have the first floor below the second floor and the second floor above the first floor, then the third floor is above the second floor, and the fourth floor is two floors above the second floor, that's life.
-MC

and forgive me, but shit happens.
-CY

now that was funny, when it happened. of course you don't get it here and now because you had to be there instead. anyway seriously, while we laugh out loud at certain things, there's just some things that aren't funny, in whatever/whichever way you put it. some adults just don't get the real idea of humour, and for those who do, well they suck real bad at it. let's not get to those who don't even get what's funny and what's not, but try to make the world seem a happier place. and oh, you cannot ignore those silly people who just laugh along at anything, and everything.

back then, they nag at us for coming in late, when all teachers expect that we come in early but they still release us late at the end of the class. almost every one of them will go:"next time, when you hear the first bell, can you please ask your teacher to release you because you have to go for your next class? i really do not want you guys to come in late again okay?" please la, do you really want us to do that? what will you say if i do that to you instead? would you have released us when the first bell goes? don't even bother answering that. oh and then when we've finally settled down, they tell their life story of yesterdays and actually think we are bothered to know about it. nevermind the language, but hey, what's with the drama anyway? oh but of course, i forgot - the story about your encounter with that taxi driver is far more important than my future. just a few days back, you talk about how we are wasting the oh-so-precious time that is left for us, and today, you practically wasted almost half a period talking - oh by that i mean inspiring or was it warming us up for your oh-so-interesting lecture? please, forgive my inability to appreciate your humour, because i am just another student sitting for her big exam at the end of the year. it is just A levels, it's just my A levels.

it's fine if you want to break the ice, and i really do get why you're doing it. and even if you want to say the things that would make us feel really guilty, then at least do it right will you? say it in the language that we all understand - by that i mean english. oh but of course, the majority of people understood you alright, so why bother about me? and those people are already laughing, so you did a good job already trying to make a good impression of yourself. please - get this: if you are really that tall, and you can really see each and every one of us, maybe you can look out for my face -

shouldn't it be obvious to you?

talking about being obvious, i don't get why someone (or maybe some people) just don't get it. is it that hard to understand or are you just plain stupid? sheesh, you must be blind to not notice the things that we've done. and stop it with the melodramatic expressions, and especially the low, zombie-like voice that you'd give when you feel shitty, or when you're not talking to them. forget about the face, because you won't even bother to look. and then when you've got nowhere to go, you'd be sticking up to the very people you once never bothered about. but of course, it's not your fault - blame the screwed-up system.

alright, enough of the bitchy-ness nurulshafienasbintesalleh. {but hey, you can't blame me though. someone's far worse. let's not get there.} oh oh oh and i can't wait for friday. a date with my girlfriends, and top that with a movie. life should get pretty fun by then.

my brother took this picture while he was on the plane. one day, it'll be me. idk why, but i have a feeling that when i'm all grown up, and i'm making tons of money, i'm going to travel all around the world for the entire year. and no parents from mars can stop me from doing so. oh yes, a girl can dream.

oh and by the way, i didn't lose anyone. someone else did, and that's just too bad. and all the things that i've been wanting for someone to do, is not going to make up for anything, and that'll never be enough even if it did make up for some things. this is, if someone intends to do it anyway - i'm not forcing anyone.

(enter my name here)

Labels: the world as it is

Sunday, April 12, 2009

6 months ago

6:06:00 PM

I've lost it, for good now.

Because I've never been who I thought I was,

and neither will I ever be who I am to you.

I've been lying, to you and myself.

Our silence has been a great friend,

much better than you ever were.

Don't you agree?

(enter my name here)

Labels: and who am i?

Friday, April 10, 2009

last last last

4:00:00 PM

You're the 269th.

And I can't get that pen

to draw, even a line

through your name.

(enter me name here)

Labels: and who am i?

Thursday, April 09, 2009

where are we?

9:09:00 PM

I look down, then I look away;
Turn to the right and left, and anywhere else.

How long are we going to keep up this act?

Do you remember the time when
we had to wait in the dark -
just the two of us?
And then spending the night talking
while the rest had fallen asleep?

(enter my name here)

Labels: and who am i?

or is it?

12:21:00 AM

Are you just so ignorant, or am I that insignificant?
Oh wait, do you still know me?

I am so doomed. I'll tell you why.

H2 Economics: U
H2 Geegraphy: U
H2 Sastera: {still pending} U
H1 Maths: S
General Paper: E

I told you I'm so dead. Trying hard is no longer an option for me. My best needs to be better. This lifestyle - carefree, smiling and laughing, taking things slow, laid-back and all the go with the flow kind-of-thing - needs to stop right now. Problem is, all the 'I-can-do-this-shit' that I say to myself is not working. Exactly, procrastination is a serial killer. But I'm scared. I'm not usually like this, but I'm really freaking out {though I don't show it in any way}. The worse thing is, it's making me give up every single time {but I'm just not a quitter, and I know that}. And if I ever let down the 2 people who pinned so much hope on me, I'll never forgive myself.

Really, the nagging is so much better than the nice, comforting words. It's a different thing when you let down the teachers who expected so much more from you, and then they just won't say it. It's another thing to think {and know} that you've let down your parents, and not get even a word of warning from them at the end of the day. It's just not right, and makes you feel so much worse even if they don't mean that way.

What do you think I'd do now?
I cannot quit, because I can't even if I want to and I don't want to even if I can.

Anyway, PW results will be out tomorrow from 1030am onwards. After all the U that I've been getting for the entire week, even a pass now is more than enough. Let's just hope the whole group gets the A, and even if we don't, we still rock. Once an Illegal Downloader, always an Illegal Downloader. (How original!) Although that came out wrong, but whattheheck!

Oh and thanks Fadhilah, for getting me addicted to your pretty boy's song, Mirotic.

Suddenly I miss my radio sessions, and I need one with my favourite co-shosts of all time, Haniffa and Haikal so badly. OH and the dance sessions to 'Till the dawn'. Tsk, dang it. Fun is definitely an understatement.

This feeling is killing me. This feeling doesn't feel right. This feeling - I don't like it anymore. This feeling, amonst all other feelings, I can't stop me from feeling this way. Whatever the feeling is, I'm sick and tired of them all. Do you know how tiring it is, to always and only be looking at your back? It's like I can only be there now. Do you know how pathetic it is, to only dare to look at you when you're not looking? I must be really blind. Do you how stupid I feel, to go on being so bothered when I don't want to? I never should have stayed back for you, or called you back that day, or wished you'd come looking, or thought about anything for us, or just be the loser that I am now. What more can I say - we're done here, aren't we? And so what if I can't get over it, you obviously have and are happy living life anyway. You've never even asked a single question, or try to talk to me anymore. Well done, you've proven yourself to be just like those that you oh-so-hate - you're one of them. And just like you, am I not doing nothing now too?

Someone: What do you do when someone disappoints you?

Me: (with the confident straight face and expressionless) Nothing, just move on ah.

Yeah right, of course.

Question: Before you leave, do you say 'Goodbye', or 'Till we meet again'?

(enter me name here)

Labels: the world as it is