The sun shines, I hide in the shade

Goodbye

2010-11-04T00:40:00.002+08:00

on my 300th post:

Officially last post here. (unofficially i might come back on some rare days though)
Got tumblr now, and I'm loving the anonymity.

(enter my name here)

Last Chance.

2010-10-19T13:23:00.001+08:00

If you don't come back, so won't I.

In a safe place, locked away and kept hidden, you'll find it.

2010-10-05T00:28:00.003+08:00

Hold on tightly. Hold on to your heart if you don't want it to get hurt.

Keep it, Hide it. Don't ever let it go to anyone so easily.

Your trust, your heart, your feelings - Don't lose it so easily anymore.

You are the only one that can love yourself.

You make yourself happy. You do it all.

Not because of silly hopes you wished on silently

Not because of words that you find your own meanings to

Not because of the long wait on a long tiring day,

Not because of the little things that you want

Because you want to.

Be happy, Be truly happy form now on.

Flip the coin, Take a risk.

2010-10-04T17:04:00.003+08:00

I've made the decision, again. At least, I made one.

About time I did too. If not; Let's not get there.

Can't really say what it feels now, but I guess it's much better this way. I can't really say/know if this is good, I am better now. Just let out a huge sigh of relief. Maybe relief is the right word to sum it all.

I can't know for sure now if it's going to happen to me anyway, but I know I am going to be okay. All by myself - I think I can get used to it. After all, it's not that hard. Just throw in some short scandals here and there, catch up with a few friends every now and then and oh yes, most importantly, going for a hiatus once in awhile. Come on Shafienas, you need to believe in yourself more.

Regret? Can't let go? Should I have not instead? What is this "right thing" to do? I'll use up all this time to find that answer. Maybe somewhere along the way, sometime in the near future?

I am not going to question this decision again. I am not going to look back, no matter how much I miss it. No, don't you dare silly girl. You've wasted so much, given so much, hoped for so much. Don't you dare go back there. Regret? Disappointed? Confused? Or perhaps sorry? Go figure yourself out. Take it slow. You have all the time now.

What a ride it has been. Ready for another one?

Hmm not now, maybe not even in the near future.

Idk when I'd ever be ready again,

but I guess I'll know when the time comes.

When you are confused, and don't know what to choose, flip a coin.

When the coin is in the air, you'll suddenly know what you're hoping for.

(enter my name here)

Someone I call "Father".

2010-09-30T19:17:00.003+08:00

"I love you so much" can't measure to how much I really do. "Thank You" isn't enough too.
Today is his birthday, Salleh B Hamid.

Happy Birthday Dad. Happy HAPPY Happy Birthday! May Allah bless your kind soul, and may you live a long healthy life. May you be given "murah rezeki" and may all other good things be in store for you. Thank you for what you have always done for this family, for me especially. Thank you for the love, the care and concern, the time and the effort you have poured in to make us into what we are today, to bring us all to where we are today.

You are a strong man that seldom shed tears. Though you may be short-tempered at times, I still want to thank you for raising us up to be responsible, respectful adults. You are my idol and I wished I could have lived your dream for you. Of course, that wouldn't be a waste. It'd be my pleasure to realise your dream for you. Maybe one day, I'd be given the chance to do it; Insyallah.

It's not too much if I say that this man is the best father for me. He may not be the smartest, the richest or even the most handsome dad ever, but he is the right man for the job: Father. He gives me love, more than I could ever ask for. He looks after me, cooks for me, fights with me. He would bring a smile to my face, He could also be very scary though. Every morning, I would prefer it all quiet and peaceful. But he spoils by annoying me, and asking all the useless questions one can think of. Every day, I would prefer delicious foods, according to my taste. But he would just re-heat whatever food we had yesterday and if we are lucky, he'll add a few stuff to it. Still, it'd be delicious. Every night, I'd want to spend time watching my favourite korean shows/dramas, not that I'm not watching it all day. Or sometimes, I'd have assignments to do and get all stressed up. Then either way, he'd come to my room and disturb all the "don't-disturb-me" time that I have.

But if he doesn't do all these stuff, only God knows how dull my life would have been. How hard it is for me to go through this long, tough (bs) life that I have. This man is a father and a friend to me.

On this day, I want to thank you for always being there for me and supporting me, even when I don't appreciate it. I want to apologize for always forgetting to call you, or talking back to you. I want to say that I love you so much and that I am definitely a daddy's daughter because you are the best dad any girl could get. Even when you'd force me to go home early, or not on the phone for too long, or not allow me to go for an overnight chalet with my friends, or worry about the littlest things I could possibly do, I still want to thank you for making em into this person that I am.

If I haven't been the best daughter to you, or haven't given just as much back to you, then I will make sure I try even harder form now on. I want to make you proud, I want to make you happy, I am 19 now so you can let me walk by myself.

But even so, I still want you to hold my hand when we walk, irritate me and joke around with me as if you are the child, and keep on nagging and (over)protecting me like you have always done so. I may get angry but every time, I know you only do so because you love me too much also.

I may not express it much but I hope you know how important you are in my life. I do not even want to think/imagine a single day without you. So while I still have the time, I hope I won't ever disappoint you too much, or make you angry or bring tears to your eyes.

There are so many things that I want to say still but I guess this much is enough here. Once again, Happy Birthday and ILUSM. Thank you for everything <3

(enter my name here)

I am 19 today, but my birthday cake says it's 17. Age is, afterall, just a number.

2010-09-27T19:59:00.003+08:00

I never expected my big day this year would turn out this way. Much have I learnt, Much have I received, and Much More will I return. This year, it's by far the happiest (and saddest) big day of all my other years. Or at least, that's what I feel right now.

Everyday, I learn something new. Today, I learn that people are meant to change. I learn that we get busy, and we forget. We ignore the smallest things, and we think it is okay. We don't really lie, but at least it is the truth. We leave out some things, and talk more about other things. To much sometimes, that we often end up with a different end in mind. Today I learn that in this life, there will be people to hurt you, to bring you down, to step on you, to treat you like a stain. These people may be the people closest to you, not just your enemies.

But we forgive because "we are friends" and we forget because "we are friends". That is life and it still goes on.

I realise now what I'm worth to the people around me. My family, My friends. Who I am, What I am, How special I am. They say what you don't know, can't hurt you. Today, what I don't know, hurts me alot. To not know my place, To not know what is real and To now know what are just mere words (without meanings or feelings attached) - I almost lost myself.

But that is exactly what life is, and we will all learn how to move on. Even if it takes more than just one try, I will not give up and move on. Even if I don't want to, I will move on for the sake of my own happiness, not his. I will move on.

I am really thankful for all the love that I am getting. I do not want to put off this happy feeling just because I didn't get what I wanted. I guess it is also true when God doesn't give you what you want, it is not what you need then. If I don't need it, then I shall not wait for it anymore.

Hence in conclusion:
What I have learnt 1) Of change. 2) Of hope and disappointment. 3) Of life and tomorrow
What I will keep in mind 1) The true concept of honesty. 2) If I don't need it, then I do not want it. If I can live w/o it, I don't need it. If I am hoping for it, then I only want it.

Thank you all <3 From the bottom of my heart, thankyou terima kasih arigatou kozaimas kamsahamnida^^V

(enter my name here)

Life Lesson #19

2010-09-25T00:11:00.003+08:00

"Don't you dare smile/laugh when I am angry. You are obviously in the wrong, does it look like I'm in the mood to joke? Don't you dare accuse me, and put words in my mouth when I have yet to explain myself. Don't you dare act like you know me well. Don't you think for one second, that I am your friend."

It is so disappointing that in the end, they could hurt me too. Even after I've been beside them, even after I've stood up for them - They just say it like I don't care. They say I'm good this way, They must be joking. They say I don't need to change, They must be lying. They are my friends.

It's hard. I just can't tell them. I'll just have to figure myself out.
They cannot know, They wouldn't know.

(enter my name here)

I should meet this wise man.

2010-09-20T14:27:00.002+08:00

A wise man does not curse the ground when he falls. Instead, he uses the ground to stand again, and walk till the end. The wise man does not cry because he fell, or because he is in pain. The man cries because he is now at the end line.

(enter ny name here)

hiatus

2010-09-20T00:37:00.005+08:00

If you're thankful, then say thank you.
If you're guilty, then say sorry.
If you're angry, If you're tired, If you're sad,
Say it out loud.

If you are scared, then you will never be honest.

(enter my name here)

What should I do with this ring?

2010-09-16T21:58:00.001+08:00

I keep asking myself the same question, thinking that I'd think of a better, different answer. But everytime, that answer still remians the same. So I keep on thinking, and say that "I'm still thinking", hopefully by the time next time I (or anybody else) asks me, it is finally a different, honest answer.

Yes, hopefully. Hope is something I should stop giving to myself.
Or atleast, about this.

(enter my name here)

Okay so I will always play the bad guy.

2010-09-13T22:09:00.003+08:00

Urgggghhhh! assignments due 2weeks after another, readings piling up really quickly, datelines to meet, WHAT ELSE - whoever said Uni life was easy definitely didn't make it there at all. Either that or he was a nerd who didn't enjoy JC life one bit :(

UURRGGHHHH! Feeling a bit off balance here. That anxious, restless mind. That suspense feeling. I can't focus. I need to let out some stress. Okay maybe alot :(

One, please everyone stop being soooooo sensitive, and then pretending as if you don't care but every now and then you open your mouth only to talk about your unhappiness. Face it, this is life. People forget, People change. What do you want me to do?

Two, it's slowlyyyy getting on my nerves that i cannot forget about this. Can't. Stop. Thinking. About. __________. Get a hold of yourself SHAFIENASSSSSSSS :(

Three, I need a long hiatus. AND OHH DOUBLE-U :(

p.s. This is still not a proper post.
(enter my name here)

I'm staring at the phone; waiting for your call/msg is like waiting for paint to dry.

2010-09-11T21:12:00.006+08:00

(Short post)

I miss talking to you on the phone.
I want to call, but I can't find any excuse.

p.s. It's been a looooooong hiatus since my last proper post, but not this time again.

(enter my name here)

Everytime I think of you, I will write about you. This is for my first one.

2010-07-18T12:02:00.005+08:00

If there's anything left that I'd want to say to you, it is that I never want you to forget me. I want you to remember us, and to remember that we will always have each other.

Even if all that meant nothing to you, even if we found someone else, even if we have truly moved on, even if it was something in the past, please remember me as I will remember you. Even if you're going to change tomorrow, who you have been and who you are to me never will (not even when there is someone else better)

You have always been a constant for me. But now that you're no longer here, I guess I'll just have to live without it. Please know that I am so proud of you. I am so happy seeing how happy you've been, how happy you are and how happy you will always be with all those people.

When we meet each other again, let's stop whatever we're doing and smile thankfully. When we can talk like before, let's just sit someplace together. When we can laugh, cry, get angry, annoy each other again like before, let's be the best of friends - yes, just like before.

p.s. I still remember how you only call me by my name, and how we would stay up till late at night, knowing we still have each other on the other side of the line. I still remember our first day.

(enter my name here)

What forgetting him means.

2010-07-08T23:22:00.003+08:00

It is not about looking at things your way and wondering why he isn't here. It is not about trying to recall what we talked about last night. It is not about thinking where we went wrong. It is not about letting go and acting as if it never happened. It is not about not being able to smile the same way, going to bed crying.

It is about telling him to find the happiness you didn't get to give him. It is about not waiting for the calls to come tonight, or any other nights to come. It is about cherishing all the happy memories, and knowing that they are now just memories. It is about thanking God that it did happen, because we were happy that we met each other. It is about waking up, feeling that life still goes on the anyway. Just as what goes up and comes down, what goes around comes around.

If all this while it had been rainbows and sunny days, I knew that this day would eventually come. Even if I don't understand why, I take it that it was time. Time just wasn't on our side. By the time I could get back to you, you were done waiting. But I hope all this wait wasn't a regret. I hope it wasn't a mistake, but instead it was a pleasure. And given time, I am sure we can eventually laugh this off, even if we can't even smile right now.

I don't have to know what he is doing, how he is doing and where he is going. I just want us to be happy, even if that means without being with each other. And even though there is nothing to talk about, this is one story I will always remember.

Take of yourself; And above all, goodbye.

(enter my name here)

I don't like means I don't like, you bodoh!

2010-06-03T22:01:00.004+08:00

I am scared. Okay fine, make that veryveryvery scared. For reasons unknown, I am feeling very insecure, inferior maybe and just unsure of what is going to happen. Urggghh i hate this feeling. Have never known why - It's making me whine for no apparent reason. I'm actually talking in alien laguage, just that I don't type it. Sounds something like ehhhhapanakjadidenganakuni?

No wait, this isn't something that I can avoid anyway; not something I should/need to stay away. So why the big hoo-ha Shafienas? Okay, this whole thing is making me go way-over-top-dramatic, but I can't help it!

:/ :# how how how OHMYGOD HOWWWWWWW :$ :|

I need to calm myself down or I won't even close my eyes tonight. Okay, come on Kpop-craze, do your magic NOW! Please let my baseless-useless-so-not-needed worries over such trivial things go away. I will do just fine, right? ARRRGHH sumpahtaktahukenapamacamgini!

Breathe Shafienas. Slowly, breathe in and out. Forget all that nonsense! Hmmm, still feeling a bit :{ but a good 10mins doze of Kpop is going to be enough. Okay, make that 20mins. :)

(enter my name here)

Stepping out of line

2010-06-03T15:03:00.001+08:00

So lllloooooonnngggg since I last blogged, and now I don't know how I should start. I have so much on my mind but I can't seem to find the right words to pen it down. Life have been eventful. Life have been playing sarcastic tricks on me, and I am only 18 going on 19. Oh wells.

Okay, here goes my long-winded speech.

To: A person named Q

It's been a long way since we started. Okay wait, that sounds wrong. Let me re-phrase that: It's been a long way since we became friends. WOW - the difference these 3 months have been. It makes me speechless, even right now really. Probably, it'll be a long time until I'd get on this roller-coaster ride again.

Thanks to you, I've gone through many things, and felt many times a day that I am special. We have said it and made it very clear what all these days meant, and who we are to each other. I guess I am going to take on your advice. I am going to hold on tightly to this heart. I am going to just think about me, and love myself more than anyone else could.

Like every roller-coaster ride, it takes you up and down. Like every long bus ride, it will come to a stop. Like every other start, there is an end. I don't know how long this trip we've taken is going to take us. I don't know when you'll get off your stop; I don't even know mine. I just don't think this is right, for you and the both of us. You know very well the kind of person I am, and honestly I am surprised you could do that in this short period of time.

So here's the deal: Let's give each other that chance to walk out of this status quo anytime from now. Let's not hold on to each other. Let's not stop each other. I may be selfish and scared, but I do care about you. I still hope you understand. You gave me dreams and hopes I never imagined so all I can say now is something I cannot say looking into your eyes: I'm really very sorry. Don't wait.

'What if it seems like you're going to love me.

Because it seems like you're going to come to me if I wait a little.'

-What If (Super Junior)

p.s. I finally found your favourite line. Wished I hadn't.

To: My past

You have drifted so far away from me and now I don't know how much further away you'd be. I'm so scared that one day I might end up forgetting you. I'd hate myself if that ever happens but who can we blame?

I guess we just began walking on different paths, towards different directions and today, I realised we are no longer standing in a line. Honestly, I truly do treasure you and keep you deep inside my heart, even if I don't say it often. But like any other human, we tend to forget and take these things for granted. We might have hurt each other's feelings, ignored each other, doubt each other to a point where we no longer want to hide the ugly truth.

Every time, I wished we could start getting so fed-up with each other and let out all these inner thoughts that we cast aside silently. I wished we can be honest like we used to be, and not care about how things were going to change. I used to be so sure that we will always be together. All those dreams we had, those long talks, those worries we share and those 'I miss you like hell'-moments - I don't know if this is how we both feel anymore. But I do still believe in 'Friends Forever'.

So if one day, I should ever be like a stranger to you, I sincerely hope you can be there to hang onto me. I will try to hold onto you too. I'll be your lighthouse, and the one to make sure your feet stays on this ground while you take dreams and soar high in the big sky. Please do me this favor too. Please, please don't ever forget me, especially when I've forgotten you. And for what it's worth and so much more, Thank You.

(enter my name here)

One Year Later

2010-05-12T22:10:00.000+08:00

So much has happened over this one year.
One year ago, I didn't know things would be this way.
One year later, and I realised how much I've lost.
One year ago, it happened one month after we celebrated Mothers' Day.
This year, it was 2 days short. I'm still trying to catch my breath.

In this one year, I've probably gone through some of the hardest days,
seen dark clouds always hanging over me wherever I go,
sometimes the rain would be so heavy that it'll scare me to sleep,
but on other times after that heavy rainstorm, I'll see the rainbow.

In this one year, I've lost 3 significant people,
3 people I've known all my life,
3 loving, caring and cheerful people,
3 kind-hearted people that I respect,
3 souls from this big BIG family.

Every time, it seems as if it all happened too fast.
Every time, it's like I could still remember our last talk.
But this time, I couldn't even look into my mother's eyes.

This year, I couldn't bear to say those three words.
Wishing her a "Happy Mothers' Day" was too difficult,
so I did it quickly before both of us started crying again.

But on the other hand, I'm proud to have at least made her happy with my own great news. My success that made everyone proud of me. My success that made everyone happy for me. Being the first ever to get a spot in the University wasn't easy. But this success isn't because of me, but because of them as much as it was for them. Thank you Allah.

One year ago, I was this close to giving up. This year I was this close to letting them down. All I can say: For everything that He takes from us, He will give back just as much. For every sorrow, for every hardship and for every tear that we shed, He will send some the happiness that we all needed. He is fair, He is always with us. So for everything that happened, I am thankful. Because this way, I know that He stills loves us and tests us through our short-lived lives.

Al-Fatihah to my 3 grandparents. Amin.

(enter my name here)

let's go for our last song.

2010-04-29T01:11:00.002+08:00

What's lost isn't necessarily a loss.
How did we get here? How do we get home?
You were supposed to be only in my dreams.

Again and again;
Much like a lie now.

I still want to believe in fairytales.

I believed in fairytales,
Not you, not anymore though.

♥

With You?

p.s. I don't know either; I hope not.
(enter my name here)

I will try fishing someday.

2010-04-27T23:11:00.000+08:00

I've been wanting to post this, so bear with me (anyone).

This is useless, I know. Mom&Dad, please marry me off to a rich guy :)

Funnnnyyyyy! I'll rofl every time I watch this English Game!

(At 1:45)
Q(in korean): Jung Joori likes Jinwoon.
A(in english): Oh My God!

(At 3:20)
Q: Is Jeon Hyeon Mu an announcer?
A: Is Jeon Hyeon Mu... (glances to hosts)
Host: That's right...
A: ...announcer like that~!

If only Singapore had game/reality shows like these,
the plasma TV in my house wouldn't be so useless then.

(enter my name here)

If, by the end of the post you are confused, then read it again! I am not crazy.

2010-04-23T22:01:00.000+08:00

I wake up every morning,
Made up my hair in a bun.
Yes, I'm beautiful anyway.
Sat down in front of the TV,
Must watch Ellen at 9.30am.

(But you don't know that.)

In the end, went back to bed -_-"

And woke up around noon, only because
Mother has started to nag/yell/explode.

Wished I was a guy, for the 217865498th time.
Anyway, had my breakfast/brunch/lunch;
Insisting that I must have tea, not milo!
TV was on, but volume was mute.
I wanted to go back to sleep again,
Not lazy here, but I'm having a migraine!
Gone to bed, after folding like a gazillion clothes.

FISH! I forgot to watch the Indonesian drama!
Ohwells, watch it tomorrow then, no difference anyway.
Reaaallllyyy bored to death now. :((((

Yawning over and over again.
Okay, didn't I just wake up?
Urrggghh, whatever! Back to sleep.

(Did you get it? If yes, then you should hurry.
Like really, you are 2wks++ late!)

(enter my name here)

Why can't we be friends?

2010-04-19T21:46:00.006+08:00

100% ripped off from my Brother's blog: How swwwweeeettttt!

Berpaut pada cinta haqiqi, Bertaut pada janji Illahi.

Like music on the waters, Like song by the sea;

That's how special she is to me.

She's a lucky girl, Abang, just as you are too.

One day, we'll all have our fairytale stories to live and tell.

(enter my name here)

This is where I stand, This is where I am and will always be.

2010-04-17T14:00:00.002+08:00

My attempt at cheering myself up:

Yes, my ear candy for now. Jay Park - Can't take my eyes off you.

2PM's single teaser is out!

Yes, I need to do this. I'm enjoying my recent

unemployment days with me, myself and I.

Thanks Taecyeonie oppa.

Only you can 'Taec' me out :) (Lame pun, IKR.)

I less than 3 Ok Fashionista,

fashion terrorist or not!

Okaaaayyyy off to LalaLand!~

(enter my name here)

Update much?

2010-04-16T21:40:00.005+08:00

Someone is sloooowwwllllyyyy making me lose my ice-thin patience. Okay wait no, actually make that two. These two idiots/bastards are this close to getting an express ticket to my hell. UURRRGGGHHHHH! Some shit you just don't need in life.

Mood: Overly pissed off!

Last day over at MJ today; I felt so sad to be leaving that place (again). Although it had only been 2 short weeks, but it was nice to be able to come back. Getting to know new muggers, meeting back with the other little kids, and of course some shocking faces around the school. Of course, I really miss the feeling of being able to meet MJI-ians at the usual spots around the school - canteen middle part, level 4 solat corner (officially MJI regional HQ), and in lecture theatres. Somedays, I even felt like being in a totally foreign world, with all those unknown-never-seen-before faces. Which wasn't exactly a bad thing, just that sometimes, it almost drove me crazy. A great experience I must say, going to remember it for a very long time. The working table, laptop-ing every minute and using the visualiser for almost every class. Thank God for (my chatterbox self and) the kids that weren't as devil-ish as I thought they might be.

Mood: Sentimental

Didin't exactly have a good morning today, not exactly having a good night either. Okay you know what: I just don't feel good this whole week. Like I'm actually feeling disappointed, angry, anxious, restless, emotional - yessss all that crappy feeling in other words.

Mood: Confused

However, lucky for me, friends are never too far away. Since it was my last day, I treated the girls (Abu and Bahhhh) Mad Jack and we headed for a movie, which was totally unexpected/unplanned. Date Night was exactly what I needed: to laugh till my stomach hurts. Haven't done that in awhile. THANKKKKSSSS so much girls for the great time; "all the single ladies~!" HAHAHAHAHA

Mood: Happily delighted

Speaking of friends, exactly how hard is it to pick up the damn phone and dial 8 numbers and then finally pressing the green button? If you can't be bothered with a short call, a simple msg would have been more than enough. But of course, 0 new msgs for 6 days already! "I just wasted half my life" HAHAHAHAHHA

Mood: Disappointed

Going cycling tomorrow morning. I need "the blue sky, the ocean and green sceneries(tress)".

Mood: Excited

In conclusion, I'm actually going through this weird feeling and I can't put it to words. But whatever it is, it's making me go oiausdnwdvydafhadfjghiofn! I haven't blog in awhile because i couldn't be bothered to, but I didn't want the blog to be dead. So this is the end - a quick random post.

(enter my name here)

Ok Fashionista is my true love.

2010-04-07T01:10:00.004+08:00

1. This teach thing has been a whole new experience for me.

Standing on the other side of the class and

understanding the behind the scenes of preparing for the class -

let's see where I end.

2. I thought I couldn't even stand even 100m away,

who knew I was wrong?

3. To be honest, you need courage, bravery and guts.

Have any of that? I thought so too.

4. Did I tell you how much I really missed you?

Even if I didn't, you'd probably already know.

(I will not look forward to it anymore)

5. Thank you. I'll be waiting for your next ________.

(enter my name here)

let this be untitled, for once

2010-03-24T22:01:00.001+08:00

I'll be Blair Waldorf, and you can be Chuck Bass.

(I'll stick to my wild imaginations,

even if they're nothing near real.)

(enter my name here)

Tonight, I will tell you a story.

2010-03-22T21:33:00.005+08:00

I believe that if it is meant to be, then it will be mine.

(enter my name here)

Check it out

2010-03-21T20:45:00.003+08:00

A praiseworthy performance.
2AM FTW ♥♥♥

(enter my name here)

I almost forgot how the rain smells, and how it sounds.

2010-03-18T21:27:00.003+08:00

Caught in a bad romance :(

(enter my name here)

Can you feel my heartbeat?

2010-03-13T23:33:00.005+08:00

A tingling feeling, not heart-racing,

not the happy-go-lucky kind of thing,

not like shocked till my jaw dropped,

not even butterflies-in-the-stomach,

not to the extent of oh-holy-molly,

not nothing-special-there either but,

maybe a little bit flattered till I blush.

I cannot believe even this is good news.

Thank You ♥

p.s. A random question: Can I know why?

(enter my name here)

I highly recommend learning the dance steps in the videos below! A GO GO GOOOOO!

2010-03-12T02:34:00.003+08:00

Let's believe, Let's hope, Let's all make a wish.

Let's all just be as happy as these teletubbies.

Many times a day, I want to know how you are doing.

I worry, I keep on thinking, I want to ask, I am scared.

Every once in a while, at the end of the day,

I could finally laugh those silly thoughts off.

Take care and Thank you.

(enter my name here)

from a friend, by a friend, for a friend

2010-03-07T22:37:00.003+08:00

I want to see those honest eyes,

because they will look at mine.

I want to hear those words again,

because I just want to hear from you.

I want to walk together with you,

I want to talk and share my thoughts,

I want to meet you, laugh with you,

And most of all, most definitely,

I want you to always be right there.

Funny how here I am thinking of you,

lethargic, anxious, (somehow) worried,

and suddenly my phone just beeped.

:)))

(enter my name here)

I walked out of the hall straightaway, already crying.

2010-03-05T22:35:00.003+08:00

FINALLY, everyone knew of their fate. Good or bad, tears and smiles were everywhere. Okay maybe it's just me actually. In conclusion, I'm just happy and thankful that the results were (somehow) to my expectations. Maybe that was why I didn't exactly feel disappointed. On the other hand, I was sadly happy (or happily sad). Whatever it is, I'm kind of confused now.

I've (more or less) decided where I want to go, but I'm doing a little bit more thinking, just in case. Thank you Allah, family, friends and of course, the teachers. I did it. I actually did it!

To friends who did amazingly well beyond their expectations: CONGRATULATIONS! You definitely deserve it after all the sleepless nights, endless consultations and continous worries!

To friends who didn't make it: no matter how bad it is, don't ever give up! Your hardwork will not betray you, for as long as you keep trying!

p.s. :))) Get ready U!

(enter my name here)

I will never want to be the clock that counts time!

2010-03-03T01:33:00.003+08:00

I may not afterall. Not even given time?

I think you'd have to keep on trying,

for a very long time.

Sorry, it's not there. I just don't.

Sorry should be enough right?

It's neither of us; there is someone else.

:(((

p.s. I don't get why they don't believe that we are friends!

(enter my name here)

Top of the world

2010-03-01T20:23:00.000+08:00

I still remember the words that a very good friend of mine said at the end of one of the A Level papers. Those words were well said, and no one could have done it any better.

S: So what do you think?

J: (starts stretching her arms while singing) Almost paradise~

And now that it's been officially declared, almost paradise will finally be almost over. To all my friends out there: All the Best to you!

Countdown to the release of A level results (5Mac) starts now.

(enter my name here)

In memory of our short leadja, Park Jaebeom :'(

2010-02-27T13:59:00.002+08:00

Okay, tonight I'm with the Hottest.

So bear with me for this one.

Even his last performance wasn't complete.

(Looking at how Taecyeon sang at 3:28-3:42, I really feel the hatred.)

2PM will forever be a 7-member group, be it as one or not.

We'll miss you, leadja, very very very much indeed.

Having said that, what exactly did you do this time again?

:'((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

p.s. even the time of this post is dedicated to you.

(enter my name here)

The one phonecall

2010-02-25T12:30:00.005+08:00

I am not afraid anymore. No more white lies, no more drama.

Yes, I confessed, and confessed and confessed ALL. Way to go, shafienas!

Well, I have been telling almost everything anyway, so this is like the next step.

There's nothing that could stop me these days. It's nothing of acting on impulse or even being dared by anyone to do this. Lately, I just don't bother to think about what I'm going to do/say. I have no doubts, no fear, and almost no secrets left to hide. (I made a decision to tell, so I will.) One minute I was actually still thinking about it, but the next minute was all about having the one of the most honest talk I've had with anyone since the so-not-long-ago schooling days.

Mission Impossible complete :) Congratulations me!

I guess being truly honest about this thing wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Maybe that moment was it. Maybe I just couldn't hide it anymore, since I've let out too much confessions already before this. Okay, I think I just lost my mind.

This is even beyond my wildest dreams. Well, it used to be.

You didn't think I could do it either right? I just did it.

Girls, I need a congratulatory hug from all of you.

I did it. I did it. I did it.

:))))))))))))))))))))))

p.s. If only I had that the guts to tell about __________. Do I?

(enter my name here)

A wink, a nudge or a simple Hello?

2010-02-23T18:45:00.007+08:00

I want to thank 3 people today, sincerely and simply from the bottom of my heart.

1. Thank you best-friend for being ever-so-patient in answering my wth-questions and useless-baseless-doubts about whoever/whatever.

2. Thank you normal-friend for this experience you have given me. I guess you figured I was just a waste of time, huh? Well, that makes the two of us.

3. Thank you lifesaver-friend for being brave enough to come up to me and helping me that day. Please just forget that incident already, promise?

And although the chances of these kind souls ever reading this is or ever knowing that I am talking about them here is 0.017638, I still think that this is worth a post. If you get what I mean, then ssshhhhhhhh... If not, well don't be bothered by it.

p.s. Have you been busy or do I have too much time on my hand?

p.s.s. Have you been too busy or did you just forgot about me?

(enter my name here)

Definitely Maybe?

2010-02-21T21:09:00.000+08:00

Maybe I am not ready yet.

Maybe you're too good to be true.

Maybe I need more time.

Maybe you're playing games.

Maybe we can't do this.

Or maybe this is just bullshit.

(enter my name here)

I won't pick up my phone.

2010-02-20T20:38:00.002+08:00

I do not believe that I am beautiful.

But I do believe that you are an idiot.

p.s. You don't know, It wasn't you.

(enter my name here)

I bought it from UniQlo!

2010-02-19T21:33:00.004+08:00

I could have died just now. I really could have just

drop dead and not move an inch anymore.

I could have just hit my head so hard on the ground

and pretend to be having memory loss.

I seriously, really, actually could have died from the humiliation.

I officially had my most embarrassing moment of my life.

OH HOLY KEMOLLY was an understatement!

Life have been playing too much tricks on me.

First, you-know-who (or not). Second, you-know-what (or not).

(enter my name here)

You sure it was nothing?

2010-02-17T03:45:00.001+08:00

It's finally THE day! Yes, my very last day I hope. Work hasn't been all about rainbows and sunshines and colourful days, but at least, I can still smile when I look back at them. How so fortunately, the last day was the bomb!

I am known to do all this risky things, unexpectedly and obliviously. I don't care what they might think, or what they might say. Since it's the last day, I did it. I really, really, finally had the guts to do it! After all what have I got to lose? What great harm could I possibly cause, or how difficult could it have been to "open your mouth when you talk"? (inside joke here) But then again, expect the unexpected. It's not that hard to read people at times, especially when you have been doing so the whole time working there.

This feeling - it's unbelievable. Why is it so? Caught me off-guard there.

On another note, such short-lived happiness only calls for disappointing regrets at the end of the day. What was I expecting? No more of those silly mind games already. I have a feeling this is it, if there was even any.

Anyway, what just began was just the end - so no big deal. At least, there was goodbye. From now on, let's start a new story, and I don't know you or her.

p.s. so do I start or will you wake me up again? let's wait and see.

Okay, I need (and desperately want) to sleep, more stories later :)

(enter my name here)

I have nothing, no name, no beauty.

2010-02-10T05:06:00.006+08:00

I momentarily lost myself. I forgot who I was.

I really was beginning to get carried away.

I won't be hopeful, I won't wish for anything.

Wake up, silly girl.

(enter my name here)

I try not to complain but this is too much!

2010-02-09T17:55:00.003+08:00

Wise Words :)))

No customers, just us playing around at 12am.

So if you have anything to buy, tell us and we'll do the shopping for you

when we have the entire shop for ourselves to do shopping!

This is our buffet-breakfast at 2am, Giant style.

Being a cashier all this while has taught me the importance of patience. There are people in this world who can be so inhumane sometimes. It is unbelievable how people just don't care about the others.

Just because we are mere cashiers, does not mean we are of a low-rank employee. Customers don't have the right to glare/stare/snap/whine/shout/call names/curse us as and when they like. How hard is it to understand when we hold up a sign in english? Don't tell me you don't know how to read "Basket Only, No Trolley" or "Customer Service" or even better "Counter Closed"? No cashier will ever give you bad service unless you start the shit attitude first. If you think you have to line up for 30 minutes before paying, then let me tell you this: everyone else is waiting too, you know. So shut your foul mouth and just keep waiting. You only had to stand for 30 minutes, we stood there for the entire day! So don't whine to us about being tired. Afterall, we are just a humble human being with a pair of hands, right? Don't blame us for being so slow ( and because of that someone even called me stupid! ) And at the end of the transaction, it's not that hard to say "Thank You", right?

But thankfully, not all of our "dearest" customers are bad and screwed. Surprisingly, there are kind souls out there. There was once, I was made to be a very special cashier, so important that I had 3 VIPs helping me - my supervisor as packer, a LPO to search for barcode and another LPO holding up the Counter Closed sign during the rush hour. TERROR laaaa :)))

Oh I can't wait for this job to end, although it's has been quite an experience to work with certain people and be able to do certain things. (Maybe this is what you call a love-hate r/ship?)

(enter my name here)

2010-02-07T10:27:00.000+08:00

I like it when I'm made to feel important.

I like it even more when I get my promises.

Keep it up, this is getting better.

If you want to love him, hate him.
If you want to forget him, love him even more.
-Marieanne G

Dear self, please don't drop dead today.

And oh please don't be sick again too.

p.s. No energy to update anything.

(enter my name here)

Whatthehell?!

2010-02-03T22:30:00.000+08:00

Before this heart that has loved you turns into hate,

Come back quickly. That you're sorry, please, tell me.

-2PM I Hate You

(enter my name here)

ZBH is ♥d.

2010-02-01T00:11:00.001+08:00

:((( Head ache, sore throat, a lil bit feverish.

:))) shop, SHOP, and more SHOPPINGGG!

Thought #1: The shorts/mini-skirts/dresses that some girls wear is so short that sometimes you just can't help but to wonder if she had forgotten to put on some pants instead. Fine, they're showing off the long sexy legs to get the head-turning-eye-popping effect - WTH.

Thought #2: The walking speed of some people can make you feel as if you're watching everyone pass you at fast-forward x4 motion. It's like watching a recorded video but the difference is that this is live instead!

Thought #3: Yellow, when you add green in it, will soon turn blue - Think about it.

(This is what you get when you stand too long at the side line and wait.)

p.s. All I can hear is you blabber about blahblahblah.

(enter my name here)

Aigoo!!!

2010-01-31T01:41:00.002+08:00

Video #1: Oh that confident face is a killer! OH HOLY. The difference is too great! get ready to ROFL :))) (video on replay mode already for me, and I can't stop.)

Video #2: Go to 2:32 and you'll understand. FUUHHH!

Okay now I am happy again, HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY :)

No one can ever understand me, isn't that great?

(enter my name here)

BEE-Z!!!

2010-01-31T00:43:00.004+08:00

I am not going to be bothered by you.

I am not going to care about you.

I am not the least interested, anymore!

You can go and run around, be a nuisance,

DO/SAY whatever you want to whoever -

I DON'T GIVE A DAMN!

You are still like the shadow in the dark;

so insignificant, you don't even exist.

p.s. This is what I ask for, this is what I get - Satisfied yet?

(enter my name here)

"long time" was just 24 hours ago!

2010-01-28T21:49:00.002+08:00

Am I that insignificant to you?

Is love that easy for you?

Is our memory that insignificant?

Is everything just that easy for you?

U-Kiss

Seeing that blog has been far too word-y for too many posts already, I've decided to put up some pictures here. Just those random pictures of outings with the girls and boyfriends :)

Okay I am lazy to upload anymore than this. Time really flies when you're having fun. We are all having fun now to make up for the lost times but this will soon be over. Results will be released in early march and February is just around the corner already! Not much time left till we decide on our future. Which for me now, is of only one word: Uncertainty. (or is it more of Unknown?) I hope things will work out, and everything will be okay for all of us :)))

p.s. Alright, then I promise I won't be hurt unless I know it's you.

(enter my name here)

Those eyes of yours - I'm in love!

2010-01-27T22:01:00.001+08:00

I don't need another reason to be happy.

I already am, I will forever be.

:))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

No, you're not in it. Don't worry.

(enter my name here)

I come in peace.

2010-01-25T23:00:00.001+08:00

Morning: All the time while people sleep and snore oh so loudly, I was wide awake. At 7am, I finally fell asleep but woke up 4 hours later.

Afternoon: About time I confessed to him. The burden is now gone, The urge to stop talking is gone. I just let it all out, so thank you for hearing me out.

Night: DEAD Tired. (Of waiting, worrying, thinking, explaining, pleasing, saying sorry) Whatever world, I don't care about what you think because you don't even have the slightest idea about my life even if you watched me grow. You have no right to be mad at me, or even try to make me feel guilty of disappointing you. You will never understand, even if you say you do. That is just what you think, that is not what you feel.)

Went out today. Will not go out (for leisure) for the next 3 weeks. Yes, you heard me right - 3 weeks! So don't bother asking me. Don't even leave a note. Don't think about nudging. I will come and go as like I like it, when I like it.

(enter my name here)

"I go back there, okay?"

2010-01-25T01:00:00.005+08:00

23 Jan 2010: LP post, 2.48 pm - It's been awhile. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

(Wearing a green shirt and a white shirt can make that first impression a lot less insignificant.)

24 Jan 2010: Counter 10, 6.05 pm - I wanted to scream a big 'NOOO' to you instead :(((

(I had a few dirty tricks up my sleeve but they are all harmless. The butterflies in my stomach just couldn't stay still.)

I shall remember you, my favourite one.

I will remember you, for a very long time.

How do you do that? Making my heart skip, and almost stopped beating.

THAT ONE-HELL-OF-A-TIME MOMENT -

the happiest I've been ever since working there,

I couldn't even say how fast my heart was beating,

how nervous I was, how my mind went ridiculously insane

with many wishful thinking and silly ideas,

and how I keep on smiling like a runaway mental patient!

I can now leave that wretched, jinx place and forgive all the sins they owe me,

forget all about revenge and bad karma, and even apologize to whoever or so,

because my #1 what-the-hell wish has finally come true!

WOOOOOOOHHHHHOOOOOOO!!!

:)))))))))))))))

Moving on, (before I get even more carried away by my silly imaginative mind)

I finally did some not-so-late-night shopping with me and myself alone.

I must say, being an adult is a happy-but-saddening-and-worrisome issue.

I will be extra careful with money now. Money management needed!

(Bought something for my tired legs, my itchy ears, my cold hands and a bag.)

I am going shopping again in approximately 12 hours.

What else do I want to get?

And the last happy news for me:

I am done. Seriously and very much. hello new ♥♥♥.

p.s.I tell the world about you because I'm so happy you're my first.

(enter my name here)

You got it all wrong!

2010-01-22T18:06:00.003+08:00

Even after a day, I can't forget you.
Even after a month, I can't let you go.

Even if it's a year, I will wait for you.
Even if it's ten years, I will wait for you.
I don't care, even if I'm getting tired waiting for you.

-Tired of Waiting 2PM

This kind of feeling - Worth the wait.

I'm just being paranoid, right? You don't know nothing, right?

2010-01-21T03:45:00.004+08:00

An all-time favourite song of moi;

I sing this song - to cheer myself up and smile :)))

The truth about real trust is

not about trusting what you can see,

but about trusting what you can't see.

I don't know about you but,

I trust you to come and find me.

When it's time, I hope to hear from you.

p.s. I don't want to keep on thinking of you. But maybe, I still am.

(enter my name here)

What about feeling guilty?

2010-01-20T16:04:00.005+08:00

(Yes, I want to know so very much because this is about you. That doesn't make sense but I am already going insane here!)

I don't get this game. The players are just so heartless. How do they ever face each other? The rules are just rubbish. There is no right and wrong, and there is no judge. This game is getting scary-er by the minute, and I hope I won't ever have to be called to play this field. Whoever invented this game should be shot dead.

On a more scary-er note, I don't know whose side I am on. I don't know who I should trust. I don't know what grounds I should stand on, what I should stand up for, or even why I need to do this. How did we get so complicated?

Let's take off all our masks, and go back to when we had nothing to our name.

Let's go back to the days when we were strangers, but we've got each other.

Let's do nothing but have fun. Let's not talk but laugh our hearts out in the sun.

By the end of this post, I hope you realise that I do not wish for anything else. But we have been on the same boat. Don't make me push you into the waters and let you just drown. I can't keep on standing up for you, if it's not even worth it.

p.s. to the-friend-having-a-happening-life: What happened??? TALK TO ME NOW!

(enter my name here)

You don't have to answer me.

2010-01-18T05:05:00.000+08:00

I absolutely hate it when my mind is filled with all the 'What Ifs' about this.

I hate it, and I'm going crazy just knowing that I am still bothered about it.

This is just 'What If' and I only want to know, but somehow I am scared too.

(enter my name here)

:'(((((((((((((((((((

2010-01-18T02:22:00.000+08:00

I read this somewhere and it says: Thieves should die.

I agree with this statement. In fact, I hope they get much worse fate than that; even more terrible than death, I don't care!

I am not in a good mood already. This had to happen! And of all other places, that little corner there isn't covered by the 24/7 everything-you-do-can-be-seen-on-it CCTV! Exactly, WTH-WTF! Such bad luck do exist afterall.

I am so pissed off now. I am so whiny and I don't care about sharing the details. To whom it may concern, don't bother contacting me for now until I talk again. But for now, I am just going to live alone in my world.

(enter my name here)

Tell me, what are we wearing?

2010-01-17T12:17:00.000+08:00

What starts as a joke may eventually find itself to be the truth of the matter.

What starts as the truth will never be too far away from what it used to be.

Just like the name of this street, it was pure coincidence.

(Oh I can't be bothered to fill up the entire story here so whoever that knows, knows what I'm talking about.)

Yesterday must have been one of the most tiring days I've had since my old mugging days. I really hope that morning journey was all worth it. Not to mention the bus-stop confusion and that mountain climb, please let me get this one :)

During interview:

Interviewer: So are you all working?

All: Yes, part-time though.

Interviewer: What are you working as?

Aminah: Errm, I'm currently working as an assistant teacher at CPF. No! I meant, PCF.

Again, I burst into laughter right there and then in front of the interviewer. I think my friends are all jokers in the making. Not only are they ridiculously hilarious people, they are even funnier than any clowns I know!

Work was work, and my back was aching like hell! Packing all the way during the hectic periods, and then when there was (only) an hour left till closing, they gave me Express counter 3! Oh Holy - WHY?!

Alright, GTG get ready to go off for another day (and it's a weekend, mind you) of sheer tiredness. (And then, I have the whole week(days) to relax my mind, body and yes, mouth.)

Even if I'm looking forward to seeing you again, it's not going to be in the near future right? And even if it's going to be sooner than I expected, what difference does it make? We're still not talking (much). It's been pleasure, but IDT I'd be there when you do come back. My days are numbered.

(enter my name here)

I woke up even before the sunrise!

2010-01-12T10:10:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, I wonder why I even bother to, subconsciously or not.

Okay, maybe make that almost every time, but only almost.

Mystery Mystery (Why), Mystery Mystery (Why) Mystery Mystery.

Didn't exactly had a good morning,

Not exactly going through a great day,

Definitely being mood-less and zombie-ish.

:(((

(enter my name here)

No, the one in green.

2010-01-11T13:11:00.002+08:00

I dedicate this to the Mister.

Lalalalalalala Lalalalalalala ~~

There's always something behind something, if you get what I mean. Going to work nowadays have been somewhat (surprise, surprise) exciting.

Back to my story: when all you do all day long is to attend to people, serve people, help people, direct people, answer people's weirdest questions, and get troubled by all the shit that people (can) do, you can't help but to really be good at observing people even while being in the middle of such peak periods. If you really know me, then you should know that I am getting somewhere here. And me simply being me, I see what I like and I like what I see :))) I tried to take a peek at the badge, but unfortunately I can be very blind and yes, naive.

This is my most recent encounter with a very charming-hot-and-sexy-with-abs-that-looked-like-it's-been-perfectly-carved ang moh (let's call him G):

S: By Nets or Master, sir?

G: I'll be paying by master, thanks.

S: Alright. (Cannot detect chip) Sorry sir, do you want to try by Nets instead?

G: Yes please.

S: (Swipe card) Okay, your account and pin number?

G: I'm sorry, you want my number?

My heart almost stopped beating when he said that with the thick accent of his. I couldn't help laughing and almost sitting down on the floor, trying very hard to control myself. Tempted to say "yes please, if that's possible", I ended up just saying "No, I meant your card's". Okay fine, it was very chaotic then, and I wasn't really talking as loudly I would but still, he didn't have to be so _____________. Oh holy-kemolly! Such moments are rare but when they do occur, it's utterly hilarious!

And for my dear co-worker, it's just a dream. Let's not get carried away and think of the best things to happen. Now, for reasons unexplained, I can't wait to come back next week for more eye-candy treats :))) I'll come with my specs so that I can see more clearly, and try to at least get the name :)))

(enter my name here)

Just Because

2010-01-08T13:08:00.003+08:00

No, I have not. Just not yet, I hope.

Because for now, I am still, very much.

I am not confused, I am not clueless.

I don't want to say anything for now,

even if it's already crystal clear.

(enter my name here)

Stand up when told to sit.

2010-01-04T14:48:00.002+08:00

I think that too many of us say the things that we don't mean to, especially when we don't want to. I think that too many of us don't say the things that we want in a way that we meant it to. I think that too many of us say the things that we don't want, but most of those times, we really don't mean it at all. I think too many of us don't mean to say the things that we said, but that is what is wanted from us.

I think all of us have grown to be pretencious people in one way or another. I think all of us have that side of being totally dishonest and think that's it's okay. I think all of us have forgotten what words can do, and what deep meaning they hold, and how those words, once spoken can never be undone.

We speak in codes, we give names, we use sign language, we talk informally and blatantly, we send cute, little messages and we play mind games. But really, how much of all that do we really mean to say? Words may just be words, but a thousand of them already draw up a picture.

My new year resolution is for all of us to be more honest with ourselves, and with all others without ever feeling afraid. Unfortunately, this is far from simple, for reasons I shall not explain further. Unfortunately, this is the reality of us - what we have all become.

The world is made up of 3 scary things: Humans, Money and Words. However, (hopefully) I only fear Allah s.w.t. instead :)))

(enter my name here)

Worthwhile being worthless.

2010-01-04T01:41:00.004+08:00

It's been long, and I've been too tired most of the time. I feel so drained e-v-e-r-y-d-a-y, believe me. But much have been gained, as much as those that were lost. At the end of 3 weeks working at you-know-where, I wanted to share this much:

Humans can be utterly brainless, brutally rude and disrespectful and at times, ridiculously worse than any known species of animalkind.

Moving on - I've been so out of touch with my Kpop/Jpop craze that now, I'm smiling as widely as I can because I finally heard my Taeyang sing again. :))) Credits to Safiah for the free fan service.

Whenever and whatever he sings, Taeyang give me the kind of feeling that makes me believe that perfection and miracles really do exist in this world. He is afterall, my Taeyang :))) The only one that I prefer singing live with that heart-melting sincere voice and the only one who can dance so beautifully with that hot body of his. WOWWW is an understatement.

Looking back, I have been missing the Big Bang, and hence, the video below makes up for that.

And as for 2PM oppas, what a performance! Junsu's ever-mesmorizing voice gives me the chills all the time :)))) i loike!

I think that musicians are the most charming species of human ever found. Musicians ftw! :)))

Alright, I'm done for now. Gtg sleep and sleep and more sleep! And oh, if it's not too late: HAPPY NEW YEAR FAMILY AND FRIENDS :))) Have a ROCKING 2010!

(enter my name here)

No regrets?

2009-12-30T17:15:00.003+08:00

This is fun. Let's enjoy while it is available, if you get what I mean.

In other words, if you get the whole story (yes, there's so much more.)

Excuse me but, oblivious is the new trend. Or should I say the obvious?

This is too fun. This is very funny indeed.

I shouldn't be doing this but who cares?

I hope this doesn't make sense.

Alright, start cracking the code NOW, or it'd be too late.

You don't want to be the last seriously, not this time.

I didn't make it any easier, mind you. Good luck!

I really think this impulsive attitude of mine will one day get me into so much trouble and leave me so embarrassed that I can't even lift my face anymore. No, whatthehell - who cares!

p.s. oh yessss, my relief teaching application is successful! :)))

(enter my name here)

leaving a blank space

2009-12-29T04:32:00.004+08:00

Amongst others, I'll leave it on hold. Let it be a blank space, still.

Because I have nothing to offer in return for them. :(((

To be honest, you shouldn't believe me either.

I haven't been really honest too.

p.s. :'(((

(enter my name here)

One more time now

2009-12-29T03:21:00.001+08:00

I've always 'closed one eye' but this has gone too far beyond my give-chance-again limits. I am already so pissed off right now. I can really explode anytime. To make things worse, let's just say I have yet to find anyone (or whatever they are called) to sincerely hear me out without rudely interrupting my non-stop talking. I am born selfish and childish like this, so deal with it.

I am the joke of the day, everyday. I put up quite a show for you bastards, huh? Fuck you only-by-name supervisors and yet-tbc-species-type managers. Don't be such a coward next time and tell me straight in the face and we'll see what I'll reply to that.

I am not a saint who forgives and forgets each time. Revenge is around the corner already.

(enter my name here)

the red belt or the brown belt?

2009-12-21T12:21:00.003+08:00

There was the call, and then:

the 4 Words ended it.

:)))))))))))))))))

I cannot stop smiling. I can't help smiling.

Life have been playing endless tricks on me,

setting up awful pranks and funny jokes.

But this one really caught me off-guard.

I was star-struck; dumb-founded even.

If this is another joke that life decides to throw on me,

then I cannot stop laughing as soon as it starts.

"This is fate, This is my good luck."

p.s. Who is he? What did he say? That's one secret I'll never tell. (Actually, that's two.)

(enter my name here)

confusing circles and crazy callings

2009-12-18T12:21:00.007+08:00

Some truths are better off untold. Some words are better off unsaid.

Because deep down inside, we all have secrets that we want to keep.

Because even if deep down inside, we wish we could say it all out,

without ever feeling afraid, some truths are better off being kept a secret.

And if I say anything now, if I do anything now, I will lose.

Maybe I don't care anymore.

Maybe I don't know, Maybe I do.

I am already halfway there, but I am still only halfway.

Looking back, walking ahead backwards.

Sitting on the fence, standing at crossroads, right or left;

What is it that is holding me back so much?

p.s. opening counter in 4 HOURS!

p.s.s. it has only been 3 DAYS!

p.s.s.s. 2 WORDS: cannot-do-it-all alONE!

(enter my name here)

she-hulk has come to giant!

2009-12-17T00:34:00.000+08:00

Nothing beats experience. I want to keep on learning, gaining experiences and be more knowledgeable. But at the end of these 3 days, I have been looking forward to this off day instead! Because the teet-teet scanning sound is like a song set on repeat 24/7 in my head already and my fingers are always itchy to do packing or keying in items bought.

Headache, tongue ulcers, backache, painful hips, muscles contract, leg cramp - WHAT THE HELL DID I SIGN UP FOR? At the end of my contract, goodbye-forever Giant.

Back to my initial story, I have not been able to complain so much about anyone for my entire life, but here I have this one rocking makcik who just doesn't know the life of a newbie. If I were to go on about what had happened from Day 1 to Day 3, I would be out of breath already in a minute. So with that I have decided to turn a blind eye, deaf ears and with a very heavy mouth to thou-that-shall-not-be-named.

If asked to rate my stress level from 1 to 5, I'd be at at least 7! But me being the new-adult me, I will take this part of the job. There is always the first for everything, and nothing comes easy in this world. No pain, no gain.

Although there were some hiccups here and there, I must say the job have been very interesting so far. From attending to the different species of humans using all the different modes of payment doing their daily/weekly shopping, to the different offers and discounts and sizes, and all the way to the stupid purchase with purchase section. Especially the fruits and vegetables section: The bar codes are already enough hassle to remember. But what is even more annoying is that some papayas look like mangos and the loose veggies can be in the shape of a christmas tree! But with this, I have had some confidence that at the end of 3 months, I can really be an exemplary housewife! Watch out world, watch me.

New friends have been absolutely lovely, although we don't really talk using the mighty universal language. Ros cakap bahasa itik, I bahasa ayam, si mak-nenek bahasa burung - How convenient! She said "pen", we all heard "pey". She said "sign", we all heard "seh". From here, we realised that sign languages can actually work some miracles.

I've got too much to say, and too much that I want to share but this should be enough for now. I need to get plenty of rest for the weekends :((( But before I go,

here's the good news: I will be opening my own counter on Friday!

here's the bad news: I will be at my own counter ALONE on Friday!

OH NO HOLLY-MOLLY HELP ME PLEASE. My only saviour is the disco light. Please be my faithful guardian angel :)

(enter my name here)

I laugh, I bleed just like Superman.

2009-12-13T15:33:00.002+08:00

I want to ride in one of those things at SENTOSA :)))

But for now, my finance minister is broke too.

NURUL JANNAH, thank you for passing the lovebug to me. After officially being interested with Mr A.G.H. and getting my blessings, I hereby dedicate my service to be your fairy godmother. If you need any help, you can call me anytime okay. Because I am officially in love too with that Tengku Nabeel Hakim. Let's all be in love girlfriends.

Going back to reality, I have been spending more-than-expected time chatting up and meeting with friends wherever and whenever possible. To those who I still owe meetings and movies, fret not. Once my wallet is full again, I am all yours baby (i hope). I hope Rahavan will ask for another date again since I won't be able to make it tomorrow. That sweet darling sure knows how to impress his ever-faithful-and-waiting girls.

Speaking of work, to my friends who can be VERY forgetful (and this is really getting on my nerves as much as it is getting on yours) : I am not available on weekends and during the festive periods. Don't anyone bother to ask me again or I swear I will not agree to go out with (whoever) anymore. Of course I will inform whoever whoever i/c about my shifts but that is all. And I have a feeling that some events will be kept on hold/TBC because of this whole thing. So if majority of you already can make it for whatever, please do not wait for me. I can always join in at a later time/date/place. Having said that, don't anyone dare cancel anything just because I cannot make it. Put the blame on me in any way, directly or not, and you will face a different side of nurulshafienasbintesalleh. Don't test my patience here people. And if my words here are too harsh, let this be just the preview. Peace, world peace.

Anyway, I am starting to feel guilty for not sending off my brother properly on Friday. I should have tag along and not go back to sleep. Mother already misses that son too much and it shows. Mother took a picture of Brother with his new hommies, but it's too grainy. And last night, she looked so sad when she was looking at the picture. Suddenly, I nearly tear up too, because ________________________. Before that, her phone lag a bit and she was so scared that something happened to the picture and it was already 2am when she asked for my help! Mom's love - it still surprises me sometimes.

Ending off with random things to say to many random people who-shall-not-be-named:

1. Walk the talk girlfriend. Been there, done that. Impossible is really nothing. You can do it. You cannot just want to do it, you have to start acting like it.

2. Time change. Seasons change. People change. This is inevitable. You cannot stop it. You have to realise that while people enter your life and bring much joy, there will be others who leave even without a note saying goodbye or thank you. Don't worry, you will be fine.

3. Life goes one, like it or not. Look on the bright side. Didn't they say that the other side is always greener?

4. Whoever invented/started the cold war is a very stupid person. Now, people everywhere are following his steps. He doesn't talk, she doesn't talk. When does this end?

5. I don't understand why I have keep on pleasing people, when they obviously don't deserve it. Ah yes, that word: _______. My tolerance level is wearing thin and someone is in big trouble. HELP!

Playing help-doctor is no fun, it's a real deal here. Do my advices help? Idk.

I really talk too much. I am not surprised if no one bothers to read at all.

(enter my name here)

Today, I lose a brother :(

2009-12-11T01:11:00.001+08:00

My dear AbangIs is reporting for enlistment in God-know-how-many-hours.

So being the good sister that I am, I decided to keep him company tonight till he calls it quits in a few hours. While he talks about his never-ending-stories with miss-yesterday plus miss-tomorrow, and both of us trying to listen to Misteri Jam 12, here I am at the same time trying to capture the moment by doing a post. I am beginning to love brother-sister bonding sessions like this. Too bad that this is going to be the last in a very long time.

God, I will miss having an elder brother around. I've never imagined I would ever know this clumsy, proud, too-flirtatious-to-be-called-friendly, intellectual, patient and most-of-the-time-too-cheesy side of my brother. And now, I'm left with the other one - not so excited actually.

Ohwells, to my brother: Take care of yourself and make sure you look out for some potential hunks for me. While you are gone, I'll take over your role and be the brother! I'll make a good mat, just like you okay! And FYI while I am listening to your frustrations and complaints about girls, I have only one thing to say to your oh-so-friendly personality: There's a fine line between being friendly and being a little bit too flirtatious.

Alright, back to more Misteri jam 12 :)))

(enter my name here)

Don't make me eat another doughnut please

2009-12-10T20:24:00.001+08:00

This is a very VERY funny video of my favourite korean hunks trying to speak english. If you are having a bad day, or a bad week like I did these past few days, then go watch this. I swear you will ROFL. Okay at least I did.

Jo-Kwon: ...blahblahblah JYP...(pause) blahblahblah Britney Spears Cristina Aguilera and JYP 2PM 2Am WonderGirls(pause)...blahblahblah whatthefart...blahblahblah okay fine thank you. (smile)

(All Laugh and talk)

Taecyeon: What are you going to sing for us tonight?

Woo Young: Yeah yeah I know, yeah... Am Fogi (Fergie)

Okay maybe it isn't such a bad week because I am finally EMPLOYED. Someone decided that I should be given a job and yes thank god for making me employed after being rejected so many times. But then again, with the new job, this means that I wouldn't be able to go out and have a fun day out with my crazy-as-usual friends around Singapore Town. I had to cancel 3 plans for the whole of next week, and sheesh I am missing a-bloody-whole-lot already even before the week starts! Oh wells, as long as I am getting some "ka-ching" instead, we can always work out the other details later.

Okay, I am off to look for more ROFL videos :)))

I want to laugh till my stomach hurts and my throat sore.

(enter my name here)

Long queues are a sign of inefficiency.

2009-12-08T19:08:00.004+08:00

It's not the laughing gas, but I smile every now and then.

Thanks to my free-fan-service-friends, I'm always updated.

WOOOOTTTSSSS~~~

No questions are asked just for the sake of it.

To whom it may concern, hope that helps :)))

Side Note: I hate it when my ego confuses me with what my mind wants me to do. It is not so much the things that were not done, but more of those words that were not said. Is this so hard to understand?

I keep on feeling like I want to go places where I would know no one, and nobody can see me either. I keep on feeling like I need a new environment, meet new people, have new feelings and experience new things. Today, I had some 'me' time and I must say that it helped me sort out some things. I did some bus-hopping for about 3 hours around our little island, going here and there. I felt like I didn't need no company to have some fun. Dropped by the beach before heading home and I admit - the breeze really blew away all my worries. Or at least, I think it did.

Relationships, Reasoning, Reality -

They confuse me more than I thought they could.

Nothing in this world is as simple as it seems.

For now, take care of yourself.

p.s. I have not had a migraine for so long and now it is really killing me.

(enter my name here)

It's the thought that counts.

2009-12-06T20:08:00.002+08:00

Have you ever:

1. Forgotten to bring your i/c when you are signing up for a job? And then the friend who was comforting you a minute ago also realised that she does not have her i/c with her?

2. Got lost in the carpark and going from level to level using different lifts at the Shaw House?

3. Been stared at for at least 30mins in the waiting room because you were laughing too much with your friend/exchanging souvenirs?

4. Running around under a shawl because it was raining but then only realised that you have an umbrella when you were already drenched?

5. Signed up for a totally different job right before your interview?

Try it sometime and you'd know what I mean.

I have been laughing so much these days that I really think that I can have kidney failure! Thanks so much to the people who have made me laugh-like-crazy-until-I-feel-like-rolling-on-the-floor, because you have successfully made me forget the situations when "those" people irritate me with their WTH-WTF attitudes. Some people just know how to get on your nerves. Even more annoying, they'd act as if they are cute little angels always being by your side. HAK-TUIII!

I cannot stand talking to people who get distracted easily. I am the kind of person who needs to (at least) think that you are giving me some of your precious time and attention while I do my story-telling. If you cannot even have any eye contact with me by the time I end my not-so-short stories, then I won't be pleased to continue our conversations further either. Instead, sometimes, I would be even more glad to end our conversation halfway because I want to just get far away from you! That is, if you had notice. Seriously - if you keep getting distracted by anything and everything else, then go settle your pathetic issues first before coming to me. It's not like I am obliged to tell you all that you want to know, or that I am dying to report to you my daily happenings. But since you were asking about it so much, I thought you would then try to listen to me even if nothing goes into that empty space inside your head. But it seems like your attention span is even shorter than anyone I know. Let me warn you again that I am a very impatient person at times. And I have no interest in repeating that particular part of my story again and again, just so that you would know exactly where I left off. Or in this case, where you "un-intentionally" kept on talking to other people while I am desperately trying to end my story.

And FYI, if you are that boring of a person, then please leave me out and do not even bother to ask me out. I have no time or interests to just waste my time without getting anything done. Yes I am having a tight budget too but at least I know enough to make the most of my days out. Even if I did want to do anything boring, I wouldn't be doing the same old same old with same old same old. Don't you ever want to do anything else? You were the one who insists I come up with plans, but you will always have some stupid reactions to every single thing I say. So, if the person I am talking about here feels guilty in any way, then I am so satisfied! I'd feel so accomplished since the end of As, really. Of course, for the sake of "our" friendship, I shall not explicitly describe you in any way.

I can be nice honey, but don't push your luck! I am this close to really being brutally honest :))) p.s. The person I am talking about is not the person 90% of you think it is, if you know who I mean.

Okay, I am done blabbering. Out.

(enter my name here)

I'm not a soldier, but everyday is a battle.

2009-12-04T00:34:00.004+08:00

To Zahidah Ma'az who insists I put up pictures here,
I'll do that some other time eh.
Instead, go make a facebook acc lah, PEMALAS!

I just finished watching Little Miss Sunshine, and it made me smile for all the good reasons. A good way to end the night/morning and get a long sleep. Well besides from the laughter from today's outing with my girls, the day had been of much joy and happy playtime. Bonds were reconnected, relationships strenthened over LOL jokes, and seeing much love spread amongst the people all around me. Good, this is really good. See, staying happy isn't so hard.

I want to travel so much, but we ain't got time and/or money for holiday-ing :(((
So, I will just go in my dreams. That'll do for now.

Sunsets are beautiful.
(Or at least from pictures.) She's so lucky.

Where should I go if I want to get the best view for sunset?

Since I'm not going for prom, I'm not going to be stuck at home either.
I've thought of many things, but let's see which one we'd end up doing.

In the meantime, I've been so irritated with all the hassle of calling, making appointments, interviews and editing resume after resume. Somebody please, just give me a freakin' job! I am halfway crazy already, so I'm really hoping I get the relief teaching attachment. That'll be quite an experience, knowing me. nurulshafienasbintesalleh, a teacher?!? - What a laugh!

I am doing myself a favour.
So, I will refuse to think about it,
even if I really can't help it.
No, I refuse to look back.

(enter my name here)

Love like this

2009-12-02T22:23:00.007+08:00

Above was a quote from all-time favourite drama series, GG. Good Job :)))

Taken from notebookdoodles.bs (by SafiahAlias)

So this is it. I have decided.
I don't want to think of what happened yesterday,
or even of what tomorow may hold,
or the regrets that I may have before and after this.
I only want to think of today, one day at a time.

Parents -
When they get angry, you will somehow be able to cool them down.
But when they merajok, no aiyoyo thambi and no aiseh man bedah can be of much help. It's only oh HOLY, and hope that they will not put you through much trouble. Especially if they're much older, sensitivity becomes an issue far too easily.

But parents, being parents will always forgive you no matter what. The child that they have raised all these years may have crushed their hopes and dreams and hurt their hearts so deep and so painfully. But when that child falls down, they will be the very people that asks: Are you okay?

p.s. I miss talking-non-stop to all my friends about everything and anything under the sun.

(enter my name here)

PLEASE BUY ME A BAG OF LOLLIPOPS

2009-11-30T21:09:00.006+08:00

Just had a Ramen Ten lunch date with my girlfriends :) Guess that was enough to cheer me up somehow. Got myself a korean phrasebook, so I am definitely happy, okay?

The reason why the truth hurts,
is because it is true. It is the truth.

In the end, this is not me. I cannot believe how much I have changed that I am just so overwhelmed right now. I am still trying to accept it, so it will take some time.

I have said too much to too many people, that I want to forget what I have just said. Because I think I don't even know what to feel, or how I should feel. I want to walk alone in the crowds or just stare into spaces. I don't want to be judged anymore for anything, and I don't want to be told by anyone what to do now. I don't want to be given choices, I don't want to be forced to choose, I don't want to compromise and choose.

I don't want to explain it -
my reasons, my excuses.

I want to just think, and keep on thinking.
I want to sit down and think again.
I want to disappear and let myself get lost
so that I can think like me, like myself.

Until I know what I want,
it'll be a blind chase, and
I am just like the blind mice.

My faith in hope is fading. Maybe it is even gone.
But somehow, this feeling of absence still worries me.

In the end, I decide to practice
my right to remain silent.
I will never tell again.

(enter my name here)

I want to study the clouds, not the sky.

2009-11-29T11:44:00.009+08:00

Firstly, NO I AM NOT A TWILIGHT FAN.
Stop trying to get me to watch it for the hot vampires and shit-ass bodies
because I'm on the side that says "The-World-Does-Not-Revolve-Around-Twilight".

Secondly, I am oh-so-BROKE.

Thirdly, I am oh-so-very-BROKE.

After 7 adventurous days of non-stop-going-out-of-the-house with friends and family, I am now very satisfied. I had this "agreement" with Dad to let me enjoy this entire week my way since I won't be going to p___. (Friends, don't ask because you know the reason even if I hadn't explained anything.)

Putting selfish teenage desires aside, I feel like the road ahead of me is not long, it's unclear. So, until I can be sure of where the road (if any) leads me, I cannot look into the eyes of my family members and tell them anything.
Just smile, nod or shrug it off.

At last night's feast, I had to face too many question of what, where, why, and when. Being the first person to go through this route, my family sure knows how to put some pressure on me. It doesn't help that too many of them thinks I am the family genius. problem is, even me, myself and I couldn't convince the whole lot that I am far from smart.

Cousin#1: Kak Nurul, was A level difficult?
Me: You took PSLE right? Was that difficult for you?
Cousin#1: Of course la!
Me: If exams are not set to be difficult, then something is definitely wrong somewhere.
Cousin#2: You study until late at night eh Kak Nurul?
Me: No, I start late at night and end in the morning.
Cousin#1: Then what you do in the day?
Me: I'm either in school or at home sleeping...
Mom: ...Or doing anything korean!
Cousin#1: Then will you be entering University?
Me: ...
Cousing #2: What do you want to do?
Me: ...
Cousin#2: If you enter NUS, I'll respect you.
Me: ...
Cousin#1: (to another cousin) Kak Nurul is so clever, and she is a good girl because my mother say so. (turns to me) So Kak Nurul, now that you're done with all that studying, any advice for us? We want to be a genius like you.

I was left even more speechless at the last question. I couldn't even dish out some useful advice. Maybe I did have something-something in my mind and I wanted to say it to them, but I think I was still thinking about the first question he asked that I couldn't answer. Okay let's stop there.

"Don't you think that korean dramas just make you cry?"
Okay, yes Mr Y, I believe so too. Maybe not really cry, but overwhelmed that you tear up. Speaking of mr Y, I miss his every-friday-will-be-doing-current-affairs-quiz.

Anyways, I should start a book with all the wonderful quotes, happenings or slip-ups that people around me make. Something like "It happens every night..." (inside joke)

To think that my brother forgot how to spell miracles, he must be so crazy (in love). AND btw, not trusting malay girls don't make you more of a trustworthy malay boy. No, I am not standing up for her. You should do some thinking and mature already, maybe while in NS?

And I pity those who can't even start the wheels turning.
I miss riding bicycles while playing hide-and-seek in the carpark.

I'm still confused.
I'm still very confused.
So now, I'm trying hard
to make myself seem busy.
I should be very good at that.
Because when I'm busy,
I won't have time to think, would I?

I'm still too very confused.

(enter my name here)

spongebob is the best cartoon created!

2009-11-28T02:34:00.004+08:00

The big secret about us is that we are all scared of anything and everything.
And we are still too young to believe that everything is going to be okay.

Life is just too full of worries and worst-case scenarios.

Some things you just can't take your mind off,
Some things you can't stop doing,
Some things you can't let go,
Some things you want so very badly,
Some things you have to avoid,
some things like a very bad habit.

(enter my name here)

Twist, Lick, Dunk

2009-11-26T21:36:00.010+08:00

This is not an emo post.
This is just a post with too much emotions.
:)))

Laughing for the sake of smiling.
Having fun for the sake of laughter.
Joking around for the sake of fun.
Smiling for the sake of the joke.

There wasn't any hope.
But I feel disappointed.
There wasn't any meaning to it.
But I felt humiliated.
Betrayed, Forgotten, Lost.
Idk why, but I just do.

I'm tired, and I can't stop sighing.
I'm not going to be bothered anymore.
Really, I won't go around asking questions.
I won't mind not being told anything.
While I'm sorry that I have to do this, but please,
Just be gone, and stay far away.

They are all laughing at me already.
They can't understand why I am the way I am.
They don't get it when I say I just do.
I feel like I can't look at myself anymore.

Really, seriously, I wouldn't care about anything
even if I'm the only one left clueless.
I need some space to breathe. I need some time to forget.
It isn't so suddenly that when I woke up today,
I didn't smile at the very thought of ___.
In fact, I was scared.
That cowardly feeling, That restless feeling.

I have had enough.
Don't be in my way or
I'm going to get really, really, really pissed.

I mean it. Mark my words.

(enter name here)

I should start a talk show instead.

2009-11-25T23:59:00.001+08:00

A good sleep will always take away all your troubles.

When you're really really angry or feeling horribly terrible with anything, get a good sleep. Sleep for as long as you want and then only wake up when you can't even close your eyes anymore because your stomach is making those loud noises. Then have a good meal, watch some good shows and have a good laugh. When you're done, then you will begin to think of what you were doing before you slept. That is usually when your brain works best to be rational and mature.

Well - at least, it worked for me.
How unfortunately, it did not this time around.
:(((

The Salleh sisters.

I had a combination of a bad hair day and wardrobe malfuntion. Really wasn't a good day today, and my legs are really going to break anytime now. But minus the time spent with these crazy-as-hell girlfriends: love you sayangs! Better enjoy this shafienas - it will end very soon.

1435hrs: (Msg from mother) Don't forget to buy newspaper later.
1855hrs: (Call from Dad) Come home quickly and buy the newspaper.
1859 hrs: (Msg from brother) Please buy the newspaper otw home! :)
1905hrs: (Call from Dad) Where are you? Bought the newspaper?

Me: (to Dad on phone) YES YES YES YES YES OKAY!
After taking the call with no hello and goodbye, I reached home about 10 seconds later. I was already so pissed to begin with and when I asked what was so important about the newspaper that everyone kept on reminding me to buy it, Dad said with a wide smile: OH nothing, just wanted to read it. Damn the constant reminders. But what sucks even more was that it was already 7pm in the evening and I don't get why they couldn't just wait for the news instead.

Drinking home-made anyhow-put-in fusion lime juice at 2 am is finally bringing me some smiles - thanks bro!

(enter my name here)

You sleep, I write.

2009-11-23T02:34:00.008+08:00

(I have to this post. No, I want to.)

I just had an unexpectedly (and unplanned) super duper LONG talk with RashidahYaakob. Have not done that in a very long time and I definitely enjoyed it. Now, I am wide awake and cannot go to sleep AGAIN. She is one of the people that I can be truly be honest with, without having to fear that she might get the wrong idea about anything.

Rashidah is a very special girl and I am very thankful that God let us be friends, even up to now. Thinking back, she was the first friend that I had in secondary school. We have indeed come a long way.

Friends - They are like those colourful sweets you put on top of doughnuts.
And if you know how much I love doughnuts, you will know how much I love my friends. :)))

All I can say by the end of the idk-how-long-it-was call:

I will always, and forever miss my friends, both old and new. I will try my very best to be the friend that you have always known. I will not be someone that changes every time I meet someone new. But then again, change is a constant in life.

I may forget you at times, and I may even hurt your feelings in ways that I was not even aware of. I may seem to have purposely ignored you or tried avoiding certain things. I may look like I am favouring others over you. You might also think I no longer need you anymore since I have found your so-called replacement.

But the truth is, I treasure every single one of my friends, even if we have not met for a very long time. No one can replace anyone if you are my friend. I may be too busy and it could be my own fault that sometimes we argue. I accept every curse that my friends may let out to me, because at times I do deserve to be hated for not being a good friend enough. I understand that you may be angry or be very disappointed in me, and begin thinking that maybe I am not your same old shafienas.

However, all I ask is that you do try understand me. I do not wish that you compromise to my every demands and only think of my well-being. But sometimes, I have to compromise to certain things that are beyond my control. I have always been stuck with being an obedient daughter and a good friend. At times, I have to choose either at the expense of the other. For that, I apologise, from the bottom of my heart, to everyone that have gone through those kinds of horrible experiences. I do not want to ever have to disappoint my parents and that is why I am always coming up with excuses. But put yourself in my shoes and think: I too have missed out on some of the greatest moments in my life as a teenager with the best-est people that I call friends. I lack many experiences that I could have otherwise gained, and many memories that I would have otherwise been able to keep as the greatest treasures I have ever found.

Once again, I am sincerely sorry to all of you, my beloved friends. Just know that you ( no matter who you may think you are to me) are a very special person indeed because you are my friend, and will forever be. Always, period. And remember that just because I am not there with you, does not mean that I am not there for you or do not wish to be your friend anymore.
I love you ALL.

And RashidahYaakob, I cannot thank you enough for being my inspiring motivation and my honestly-speaking-and-do-not-take-this-personally kind of friend :))))))))

(enter my name here)

2PM won big at MAMA!!!

2009-11-22T23:22:00.001+08:00

Holidays are here to stay for a very long time now, and I can't wait for evey event happening with friends all around Singapore. Problem is: Can I keep my end of the deal and go out on all these days? I hope so, since I gave something up in return. (a secret for now) Don't make me think about that.

Plans for the remaining November: 21, 22, 24, 26, 27, 28, 29
Plans for December (as of now only): 3, 9, 15, 20

Oh I'm tired already just looking at those numbers. But bring it on!
Now all I need are a strong pair of legs and lots&lots&lots of money.

Speaking of strong pair of legs, I swear my legs are about to break already. Today started with just a decent date with my own self. Then Big Bro suddenly decided to keep me out of the house for awhile. Truth was, he'd be kept out of the house for 2 yrs starting 11th dec. The house will really be empty, but I will take care of your laptop brother.

So, we went to the the north side, then drop by the west side and then home sweet home. It's been long since I enjoyed some brotherly love - thank you for being a good brother for me to remember for 2 years.

Since I'm expected to be home by sunset, I don't have many (in fact, zero) chances of enjoying even a little bit of nightlife. But because I'm with him, I took advantage of every single chance. And yes, that includes his money. And because I'm broke, he just couldn't escape my pleas and demands. Thanks for the treat, Abang Is! When you get out, (and if I remember,) treat's on me then.

Him: Hungry?
Me: Not really. Why?
Him: Because I was thinking of...
Me: (Cut him immediately) Okay let's go, I'm starved!
Him: Wait, can you find the ATM?
Me: Eh no need to take out so much money. (start to pull him towards ATM machine) You don't have to spend much on me. Anything will do, no trouble, no problemo.
Him: How much should I take out?
Me: Around $100?
Him: HUH??? We'll only be spending $20 max.
Me: No, you will. The balance is mine. :)))

Aww man, I will really miss having him around. No more starbucks foodtreat. No more shouting across the room. No more late-night riddles which are oh-so-lame, No more racing and fighting over the best seat at the dining table. Big Brothers FTW! Last advice given: Don't have a scandal without me knowing and take care of my apple.

Bye-bye Brother, and save some ghost stories for me! While I'm sad you're going, I can't believe that the laptop is FINALLY going to be mine! WOOOOOOTTTTSSSSS~~

Okay I better get some sleep for the entire week. :)))
Operation Enjoy-Freedom just began.

(enter my name here)

Do I look like the information counter?

2009-11-22T00:21:00.003+08:00

This is difficult.

I simply cannot take it anymore.
I simply cannot just sit and stare.
I simply cannot hold it in any longer.

:(((

(enter my name here)

karma or dejavu?

2009-11-21T03:03:00.004+08:00

Greatest performance, WOW.

I want waffles with chocolate and blueberries on top for breakfast.

Because they make me think of old times. Like how I really miss my girls today. I completed JC education today, it felt like I had just done O levels again, only in much more extreme conditions. Girls, I want to hug every single one of you. Some friends are really for-ever, others just pretend that they will be.

So, to forget my worries, I want to walk around this little island. I want to go bus-hopping and observe people. Most importantly, I want to tell why-oh-u that I'd have fun, even alone while you enjoy yours.

You, who never understood my feelings,
In the end, I despise you.
Then I wished a misfortune upon you.
But now, my eyes are dry.
I tried to talk to you,
but I realized that I’m alone.
Every night, I would look back and think
If I already knew the results.
Then I close my eyes.
Then I dream an endless dream.
-Tae Yang, Wedding Dress

I sound so stupid this is true. I saw how her eyes looked at them.

R came and went straight to H, as if E was invisible. R didn't bother to say a word to E, like R knew E was trying to avoid any conversations. E tried to make eye contact but got scared. E felt so humiliated. R stayed by H's side and they just kept on talking. The situation made E feel even more depressed and useless.

Okay off to sleep after an adventurous 24 hours
of fufilments, accomplishments and satisfaction.

(enter my name here)

Humty Dumpty had a GREAT fall

2009-11-20T22:10:00.001+08:00

Oh those piles and piles of paper.

When I first entered the JC world, I swear I don't belong there. And I still believe that I can never fit in their thinking world with my not-so-superior mindset. Strangely, while I was doing my physical geography paper, ( which was unexpectedly not-so-terrible ) I thought that my 2 years of education there has had much impact on my views and thoughts. I will always remember the lessons of absolute territorial sovereignty vs absolute territorial integrity, remember the critical, analytical and creative thinking needed for literature, how efficiency and equity can change the market economy and also of course, to trust my $150++ GC when it says root of -1 results in an error (but the H2s call it complex numbers, and have a whole new explanation to provide which is of little practical use).

Now as I step into a bigger (and no less, much scarier) world out there, let's see what other lessons can life teach me. Adulthood, here I come! To my other friends still having papers on whenever, carry on fighting comrades. And haniffa, cheer up, libaralisation will come to you soon enough sayang.

Anway, so this is what it feels like. I will miss you my colourful pens, my unique pencilcase and of course, drawing little flowers on every paper. Thank you for making me laugh till my throat hurt today. Thank you for making me forget what I was really missing. Thank you so much Wida, ILU. Though I didn't say it, but I really needed time far and away (with anyone kind enough to layan my merepek-ness), so thank you for keeping me company.

To whom it may concern: I'm sorry I have to disappoint you people again. But believe me, I cannot afford to hurt them again. No, I'd rather be missing out on the greatest moments with the bestest people I've known. I guess no one would truly understand me even if they say they do. But for what it's worth, I'm sorry, and please do enjoy yourselves.

(enter my name here)

I don't enjoy Hi-5 anymore.

2009-11-20T01:00:00.000+08:00

I'm not angry. No, I am not.
I'm disappointed, I'm ashamed
of myself.

From here on, I'm done.
I've decided that I want to forget.
Messages erased.
Storage space cleared.
Saved images deleted.
Memory re-formatted.

Maybe I can't YET.
But I will,
I want to,
I have to,
I need to,
and I must try
until I finally can.

Liberalisation starts in approximately 15 hours and 15 minutes.

(enter my name here)

I have 5 black pens, but have never used the other 4.

2009-11-14T22:01:00.004+08:00

"Jadi perempuan melayu, jangan seperti perigi mencari timba."

I hold on dearly to those words. So with that in mind, I left the house hurriedly and arrived at the salon 15 minutes later. When asked what I wanted to do with my hair, I replied: Just chop it off. Thank You.

I had to prove to me that I do not live to impress anyone. The opinions, (no matter how much I really do appreciate it,) are just opinions, not mine even.

I felt so accomplished when I saw the end result. GTH with pretty nice curls or whatever you call it. I'm really doing everything that you told me not to. I'm really making me not even think about ___.

But now, I do miss my curls already :(((

(enter my name here)

The pilot was blind, but he's not now.

2009-11-13T20:45:00.008+08:00

Today, despite being Friday 13th, is a happy day.
I simply cannot stop smiling.

Starting with the good news: Taeyang's Wedding Dress.

Then, the "bad" news: THE FIRST ALBUM 01.59PM

I have yet to adore the song, but the MV is simply oh-holy-kemolly.
I'm speechless. It's weird not seeing the leader there.

"We are not 7, we are one."
-Wooyoung 2PM.

In this divide, united we stand.

Too many happy things happened today (of course besides all this).
And I simply cannot stop smiling.
(Thank you for taking my mind off things, Ruq. We go together, heh?)

(enter my name here)

Bad boy, whatcha gonna do when they come for you?

2009-11-12T15:21:00.000+08:00

Should I? Should I not?

Either way, what's next?

God, I'm in trouble.

Questions, questions, questions.

Where can I get the answers?

God, I'm in deep trouble.

On a happier note, my family is totally jiwang right now. Dad in the kitchen cooking, Mom in the room trying to sleep, Brothers in room with Xbox and moi at the sofa - ALL singing to the song Bila Rindu because someone's phone is ringing but he won't pick up because of the stupid song. Now I cannot stop singing! And I'm totally into rock voices and rappers - Sexy and Hot just found their new meaning.

(enter my name here)

YOU should just POOF!

2009-11-12T01:10:00.000+08:00

Maybe, just maybe,
this is what it feels like.

Like I've been better, Like this has been much better,
Like I've forgotten all that I've wanted to,
I stopped walking, stopped running,
only to look back at those memories.

I want to be like the white clouds,
and those colourful rainbows,
I want to be a happy person.

As long as I don't have any regrets,
as long as I don't have to turn my back,
as long as I keep on going forward,
I'll be happy.

But then again, where am I now?
Did it start again? Please let it not.
Please, please, please.

Coming back to reality, I'm so pissed right now that I can really punch someone. I want to slap that face and I want to let it all out. I pray hard that you'd really just disappear. I'm so f***ing angry that I cannot stop cursing. What a disappointment - both of YOU! I can't be bothered to talk about the (ongoing) exams and I sure as hell, can't be bothered to talk about how it has been.

9 more days, just 9 more days.
(enter my name here)

Life is a paradox

2009-10-28T22:01:00.003+08:00

During this intensive period before the _, I made several discoveries.

1. English Literature considers the view of liberal women living in a modern world. Malay Literature studies the idea of modern women living in a liberal world. Isn't it amazing how these things work to confuse you? But all in all, I never really got the idea of a feministic world.

2. I don't exactly have a plan on what I really want to do immediately after the _. So now, I've wasted an hour writing down the list of possible things but only one rational idea stood out: Sleep Marathon.

3. Sometimes, I don't feel like giving up, but I just want to do nothing, which isn't exactly the easiest thing to do. Sometimes, I don't feel like giving up, but I just want to watch life pass me by and see how much I can let it go to waste. But I hate waiting so this is impossible. Other times (like today), I want to give up but even that isn't so easy afterall! tsk, WTH khhrrr :(

p.s. I want to set up a School of Insane-Chatterbox-and-GossipGirl-Like-Me in future :)))

(enter my name here)

That sad, angry face

2009-10-24T14:03:00.022+08:00

My favourite moment starts at 2.02 - for 15seconds, Oh HOLY HOT.

Words of Stranger from a Friend to a Crush.
Did you ever fall for someone you know you shouldn't?
Try hard to fight your feelings, but you just couldn't?
You fall deeper with each passing day,
But try to hide it in every possible way.
He's only a friend, and nothing else -
That's the lie you keep telling yourself.
You keep on saying he's just a bud,
But deep inside you're falling in love.
You get so giddy when you meet his eyes,
But keep reminding yourself that it isn't right.
A simple glance turns into a stare,
But you pretend that you don't care.
It's "not right" for you two to be.
Is that why you hide it so no one can see?
But how long will you pretend?
Keep lying that he's just a friend?
Perhaps your feelings you can never show.
Perhaps it's "wrong" for him to know.
Your friendship can't be risked over this,
so being his girl is an impossible wish.
-Momei Qu

Thanks J, such honest words written.

The more I try to run away, the more I find myself coming closer to where I first began. Maybe it was my fault, maybe this "joke" has gotten way too far, just maybe I am crazy. They laughed at me, they think I'm pathetic. They don't understand and find it absurd, they can be true. They did nothing wrong, they listened and then try to dig it out from me. But I have no answers, no explanations, no reasons, no whatsoever-excuse-you-think-I-may-have, nothing - this is just a feeling.

From now on, I want to be the first one -
to walk away,
to not look back,
to not reply and
to (of all other things) stop ______.

(enter my name here).

The not-so-teary graduation post

2009-10-17T22:17:00.000+08:00

The H1Maths Class 2009
(You should have been been there Shatun!)

Of all props, J took her Tampines One fan in this photoshoot.

The holy-kemolly-MJI cake
Literally LOL.
The classic poses.
SIlly things girls do.
Silly things girls laugh about.
Silly things girls think they are (or want to be.)
Akhir kata:
Tidak ada satu pertemuan yang abadi. Seperti pertemuan, tidak ada perpisahan yang abadi. Semuanya bergantung pada masa. Setiap yang bermula pasti berakhir. Yang datang akan pergi, Yang patah akan tumbuh, Yang hilang akan berganti. Tetapi, dengan setiap sesuatu yang berakhir itu, adalah detik permulaan sesuatu yang baru. Selamat Maju Jaya rakan-rakanku :)))
(this was supposed to be a a happy i-still-remember-the-1st-day-we-first-met kind of post but somehow plans change.)

Haru Haru - Big Bang
You should always be like that bright sky,
like that white cloud
Yes, you should always smile like that
as if nothing happened

Don't look back and leave
Don't find me again and live on
Because I have no regrets from loving you
Take only the good memories
I can bear it in some way
I can stand in some way
You should be happy if you are like this

"I love you" means that I accept you for the person that you are, and that I do not wish to change you into someone else. It means that I will love you and stand by you even through the worst of times. It means loving you even when you’re in a bad mood, or too tired to do the things I want to do. It means loving you when you’re down, not just when you’re fun to be with. “I love you” means that I know your deepest secrets and do not judge you for them, asking in return that you do not judge me for mine. It means that I care enough to fight for what we have and that I love you enough not to let go. It means thinking of you, dreaming of you, wanting and needing you constantly, and hoping you feel the same way for me.

Not that I have any experince, but I wonder: which saint can actually fully live by the above quote? khhrrr (insider version of pffttt)

Shafienas: I think I can blend in with the walls. (quickly hugs pillar)
Mr Yeo: Can someone please offer her a hug so that she doesn't need to rely on an innate object for one?

Shafienas: Auntie why you laugh at me?
Auntie: I want to laugh looking at you! So hot, wear sweater???!!!
Random teacher: Haven't you heard of global warming?
(I just came out from an air-con'd room.)

God, I need a hug.

(enter my name here)

untitled

2009-10-11T00:01:00.003+08:00

I'm done throwing tantrums at parents who can't seem to understand why I always want to go out.
I'm done pleasing people who throw tantrums at me because I can't go out.
I'm done telling myself to go out with so and so because I didn't the last time too.
I'm done asking myself to help out at home often instead of staring at the books.

I'm over being on any one side nor sitting on the fence.
I should really just go away, literally.
Followers anyone?
1st stop: Venice
2nd stop: S Korea
3rd stop: New Zealand

(enter my name here)

i am worried.

2009-10-02T23:11:00.004+08:00

I am a typical melayu girl.

I need reassurance and reaffirmation,
confirmation after confirmation,
that I _______________________.

(enter my name here)

imconfusedrightnow

2009-10-01T20:25:00.007+08:00

(My series of emo-shit posts have started again.)

Sinner - Tae Yang
If something happens to me, know that it's your fault.
Because you wanted bad things to happen to me.
If you met someone else, can you please be unhappy?
I'll pray for it.

Gone way too far from the start
But how much nearer are we now?
Comes in close at the end
But how much further have we become?

Seriously hot and cold right now:

Calm and confused, yet happily moody.

What have I done to ever deserve this? Shit, it's eating me up inside :(

Sabar dan Ikhlas, nurulshafienasbintesalleh.
Sabar dan Ikhlas, nurulshafienasbintesalleh.
Sabar dan Ikhlas, nurulshafienasbintesalleh.

(enter my name here)

it's them!

2009-09-29T21:39:00.003+08:00

(Forgive my foul mouth and excuse my angsty expressions.) Since I didn't want to terrorize or influence anyone with my personal opinions, I decided that this is the best place to just let it all out. Because saying it out loud to anyone is simply a waste of my breath and that it'll just make me look like I'm way too childish to even bother about the insignificant things in life. And fyi, simply out of the kindness of my heart, I decided to respect them enough and not spell their names out instead.

@!#$%^&**(*%$&#%^%^$*&^(*&!@#$%$()*&#$@#$%^*($@#%^&*(

God, I'm fucking pissed!
I can't believe I know such assholes; I don't understand why such assholes even exist.
You cheap, pathetic bastard-face loser.

Stop laughing and talking over the same old same old. Get over it already! Go do your quick socializing somewhere else please. You don't have to show off your interactive skills in front of me because I swear it's not even interesting or exciting. You are just way too caught up in the desperate need for attention.

p.s. FYI, your laughter (yes, both of you) sounds more like fake noises.
p.s.s. okay you can start up your usual self again since it suits you best.
(enter my name here)

mid exams, mid raya part 2

2009-09-26T22:01:00.002+08:00

What amazing lessons can life teach me in one day?
What mischievous things can life do to me in one day?
What shocking revelations can life show me in one day?

What have I learnt thus far?
Don't be a friend who happens to be a good girl,
but be a good girl who happens to be a friend.
Don't just learn to understand,
but to learn to accept it better.
Don't look at them in the eye,
but to stand in their shoes instead.

I know people may think that I'm way too sensitive at times, but these are just traits of me that I cannot and can never get rid of, even if I want to (which I do). The last time someone made me wait for half an hour, I nearly slapped his face when he finally arrived and then felt like going home. Today, I decided to embrace patience and ignorance. I know I can be excessively demanding or intimidating and I know even I make mistakes as such at times. But even if I do, how badly would I have done it makes that big of a difference. I'm not angry, neither am I specifically pointing fingers or mentioning names here, because I do not wish to be one that holds on to grudges. No, I move on.

And you know that feeling called guilty conscious? Today, I wish it never existed at all. When you forget to do it, you'd be asked why later - perhaps they felt like an outcast. When you didn't forget and did it, your efforts just seemed useless because there wasn't a single reply - perhaps they were too busy. When they said they'd come, they didn't say they'd be on time - perhaps it wasn't their fault. At the end of the day you learn one thing: this guilty conscious thingy - don't bother about it unless it concerns you.

Today, I finally realise what it means to really forgive and forget. And being only a human being, I realise I can never be able to do both. There have been too many times that proved this to me. I may be able to forgive but forgetting is a whole new issue. Similarly, I might forget about it but that may be because forgiving was simply out of the picture. As my mom would often say it: You make my blood go upstairs! Today, my blood didn't just go upstairs, it went straight to the roof!

I was looking through my secondary school daily planner and I came across these cut-out words:

People often screw up in their sincere and honest apologies that they intend to offer. Not because they forget to say the word itself, but they don't know what to do after that. Apologizing doesn't stop at just saying sorry, people! 3 steps in saying 'sorry':
I'm Sorry.
It's My Fault.
How Can I make it Right?

There are more than 6 billion people in this world, but it takes only one of them all to make you go from happy to unhappy. It takes that one person to make you be from a hedonist to a conservationist, from a dumbo to a thinker, from a jolly-good fellow to be the common enemy. And of all the things that hit me real hard today was when I remembered what my dear GP teacher said:

Rather than changing something that cannot be changed,
why not change something that can be changed - YOU?

Back then, I wasn't really paying attention in his lesson, even though he was just right there in front of me. But when he said it, my daydreaming just happened to end at that same time. And since I didn't catch the reason why he said it, the words meant something else for me. Something someone should have mentioned before to me, something I never really thought of until now. Don't you see how funny inspirations can be?

So, nurulshafienasbintesalleh, let this be a lesson to you today. Don't you always wonder how parents can be oh-so-forgiving? Don't you always want to feel how it is like to be at receiving end instead? Don't you think that you're actually nowhere near this good girl that you think you are? Today, life tested me when I least expected it. And when I reached home, I saw my dad sitting quietly on the prayer mat. As soon as he was done, I went up to him and kiss his hand and started asking for his forgiveness all over again.

Sabar and Ikhlas - Itu Islam, Fahri.
-Ayat-ayat Cinta

Having said all these, I wish to declare that I am not asking for anything from anyone.
World Peace!

p.s. let enjoy your last moments of being 17!
(enter my name here)

mid exams, mid raya

2009-09-22T22:22:00.000+08:00

I can almost die from the many hours of smiling, talking and laughing, that I'm too tired to change the current expression. it's like stuck there. I'm even more tired than running 2.4km! (okay maybe that's a little bit too much...) but go and try standing in the kitchen beside the sink for half an hour and do nothing but wash those dishes while entertaining the curious aunties of today who insists that I'm ready for life of the big M when I've yet to even enter adulthood- you'll know what I mean after that. but then again, i wonder if i'm not the only going through this phase. one family enters the house and I start to enter the kitchen. once they step into the kitchen, I'm already by the sink. lucky thing you have (surprisingly) reliable brother that can help to lighten the load. the things that you do once a year are definitely worth ignoring studies over for once!

oh and i realise that families that dress up according to colour themes look so much more united! but that doesn't mean those who dress up according to their individual preferences are no better! sometimes, you can be shocked at how some colours just make some people go OH-HOLY-HEAD-TURNING-SENSATION! but I thought my parents looked more vogue this year, something you'd (or even us children from Mars) rarely get to witness. of course, that doesn't mean that they throw themselves in front of the camera at any given opportunity. instead, ignorance is the way to go for them.

the other pictures for raya is in the camera and for now, I can't seem to remember where I kept the USB cable. this is worrying since my room is at its neatest, cleanest and spacious at this instance. at other times, i'm way too ashamed to mention its state.

comments from members of the family:

(before spring cleaning)
Father: Kalau Pasar Geylang tu belom renovate pon lagi kemas! Tapi sejak Pasar Geylang dah renovte, rupenye bilik ni la yang jadi penggantinya.
Mother: Tak boleh ke kite panggil contractor kat Geylang to upgrade tanah terbiar ni? Kalau contractor untuk lift upgrading ni pon boleh. Suroh die tebok pintu buat lift sekali.
Elder Brother: Eh takpe la bilik die macam gini... Raya nanti, kalau orang datang rumah kita, dapat free entrance to Zoo! Kalau malam, jadi Night Safari! Ini confirm ada species binatang yang belom diketemui lagi!

(after spring cleaning)
Younger Brother: Mami ada buat land reclamation eh?
Mother: Tak, tapi tadi ada ribut datang angkut semua sampah sarap yang ada kat dalam bilik tu aje.

so as we clicked and clicked more memories, and showered each other with more love and care, I can only thank God for this overflowing love that is going around as I see it with my own eyes in disbelief but with much pleasure and contentment. some things are definitely impossibly replaceable. big families with even bigger hearts are my way of life.

speaking of my ideal way of life, I've always wanted to live a life in a dormitory, without the useful presence of parents. I need to learn to be more independent and oh, feminine. this includes the many characteristics of a mature young lady that I seem to lack or have no interest in developing any.

but then again, maybe all I need is a younger sister - inference from a younger cousin's way of life and experience. Seriously, she is more responsible than I was at her age! thinking back, I was really pampered then (and even now actually)!

and finally to comfort my disappointed self and even more sad heart, I decide to pamper myself with some Big Bang videos and Family Outing series. this is the consequence of thinking I wouldn't fall asleep when I know that I am already very tired and in desperate need of those precious beauty sleep.

Okay off to youtube! :)))

(enter my name here)